You Don't Say

It is very common for people to say to victims of abuse, "it wasn't your fault".

I just want to point out that to say "it wasn't your fault" implies that perhaps some aspect of the abuse was indeed my fault.

Instead, it would be better to say, Thank you for telling me. This is really upsetting. I just want you to understand that I'm not at all upset at you. I just feel badly that this happened to you, because I love you so much. And you are safe now. It's all over.

Later, during therapy, it is a good idea to point out the dynamics of abuse, to explain how a perpetrator sets up his victims, and to check in to make sure the client doesn't feel like it was their fault in any way. I don't think that victims intuitively feel that it was their fault. I think they feel guilty for being there, for not saying no, for going back for more. I think the nature of sexual abuse causes a lot of shame due to the sexual pleasure in an otherwise horrible act of betrayal.

But my fault? Why would I think that? For being a kid, for wanting attention, for being friendly? Instead, they often don't even know what exactly happened. Just that it was yucky and nice, fun and shameful, pleasurable and disgusting, and lots of other conflicting emotions.

That would be like saying to a child victim in a car crash, "it wasn't your fault." Gee, I wasn't driving, so I never thought it was my fault. But now that you mention it . . . (I was laughing and having a good time, I was singing and looking out the window, maybe something I did caused this.) A child doesn't automatically think it was his fault.

Just my thoughts for the day. You are welcome to correct me if you disagree.