Support: My Child was Molested!

What do I do now?

Finding out that child molestation has happened to your child is a very traumatic experience for parents. A lot of feelings come up for parents such as shock at their child’s vulnerability, and devastation that someone was able to get to their child in this way. While listening to our child, it can be almost unbearable to hear the facts of what happened. We are horrified to learn that our child’s innocence was abused. We want to run away, instead of listen, as our child reveals experiences of molestation which are a parent’s worse nightmare. There is no box in which to put this trauma, and we have no frame of reference in how to deal with this. We didn’t get taught in parenting class how to identify and thereby protect our child from a child molester, and we certainly don’t know what to do now that our child is telling us all this.

Hopefully we can be supportive to our child. If you realize that you have not responded in a helpful manner to your child until now, it is never too late. A supportive response would be to tell your child that you are so glad they told you what happened, and that you are going to figure out what exactly to do. You do need to tell your child that from now on they should stay far away from the perpetrator.

What are parents supposed to do?

In our time of need and fear, we know we must speak to someone. We must choose wisely because this is a sensitive topic. We call either a trusted family member, our rav, our best friend, or all of the above.

These people can be a source of help and support, but sometimes this issue is so shocking to people that they instead respond in a hurtful way. Unfortunately, the response you get may be confusing and upsetting and you may be made to feel that you did something wrong. Parents have revealed that people have made comments to them like, “Nobody is going to believe you. You are just being hysterical” or “If you don’t handle this right you’re going to kill your child” and, of course these comments only devastated them more. While seeking support, if someone begins to interrogate you, insisting that you’re exaggerating or don’t know the facts exactly, then this is not a supportive person. And if someone insists that you are over on loshen hara, they are wrong and you should explain this is toeles, and if they don't agree, then they certainly are not a source of support either. Keep trying to find the support you need, but realize it will require some strength to do this. Just know that there are people who care and can help.

How do I Stop the Perpetrator?

Perpetrators of child molestation are often seen as nice and helpful. Often he (95% are male) is related to us, or he is related to someone we know.  Usually he is a family friend or at least a nice acquaintance and very few people would have guessed, initially, that he was a child molester.

But once your child reveals to you that he was molested, you need to think about what to do to stop the perpetrator. Often the charedi response is to call your neighborhood Rav to report this. The Rav should be supportive and should advise you to call the police. If you get a different response than this, then this rav does not understand the issue and you should just simply go to the police. If you feel you really need a psak halacha that allows you to report to the police, then go to Daas Torah's online blog and you will find psakim from Gadolai HaDor who encourage reporting.

B'hatzlocha on this very trying journey.

The Right Response (a must read)

Check out the website www.ShomrimYeladim.com for a printable copy of The Right Response, which addresses what a rabbi should say to parents on this issue, and how a parent can be supportive to their child.

There you will find answers to typical charedi questions regarding child sexual abuse.

The website includes a printable booklet for parents to read to their children, Hi My Name Is Raffi, using a kid to kid perspective.

Charedi Kids molesting Kids

One day, when my son Shlomi was ten years old, I got a call from the neighborhood Rav.

“Stay calm. It seems your son has a bit of a tievah. Whatever you do, stay calm or you’ll make everything worse.”

Here is the shocking story.

My ten year old son, together with several boys, built a very large fort, enclosed and far from adult eyes. One teenage boy, Aron, joined the boys and proclaimed himself the leader. He invited two other teens into the fort and those three big boys proceeded to molest the small group of younger boys. Then the younger boys, including my son, were instructed to molest any little boys that would come into their secluded fort. Then a few of those quite young boys were given jobs to go find more victims. Finally, one brave little boy told what was happening to his menahel (principal), who happened to also be my son’s menahel.

This shocking story happened in a so-called upstanding charedi community with frum- from-birth boys, who were seemingly good boys, too young to be off the derech, and not outwardly problematic in any way.  

You can imagine that I was devastated by this news. But to add to my trauma, came the insensitive remarks from my Rav. “Your son has some sort of issue with you. This type of thing happens when a mother is too overbearing. You’re killing your kid. You need to get him therapy.”

He gave me the name of a specific therapist for my son. When calling to get an appointment, it was explained that the therapist was an expert on treating child molesters. I was horrified at having been referred to such a therapist for my 10 year old. That’s when I came to my senses. I pulled myself out of despair, reassured myself that as college educated Baales Tshuva, I understood this issue. It was very clear to me that a ten year old boy is not the same as an adult child molester. He’s a victim, a child who is acting out.

To put closure to my son Shlomi’s story,  after much research, I found a therapist who was an expert in trauma and who had experience with child sexual abuse. He worked with my son doing an intensive trauma therapy called EMDR. Slowly the dark cloud lifted from my son’s countenance as he experienced healing. Today my son is a healthy, normal young man, however he has left the charedi world for a more modern orthodox lifestyle.

The older boy in the fort, the teen leader, was not in the same school as my son, and he didn’t have the same Rav, and the family was not told about the child molestation going on in the fort. When I called the mother weeks later to share resources (to tell her about the great trauma psychologist that I had found), she said that her son had told her that the fort had been taken down, but she hadn’t known there was any kind of problem. She thanked me for calling to let her know, and then it seems she didn’t get her child any kind of real help, because I’ve seen him standing on the street corner smoking a cigarette on Shabbos.

As devastating as this experience had been for us, was the added mistreatment by our trusted Rav. It was a big disappointment realizing that he really had no understanding of this issue. He was reacting to child molestation issues like one would react if they found out about a homosexual. And then to refer us to treatment for a pedophile. That advice was shocking.

Since then, I've come to accept that our Rav is a human being with limitations. Just as we all make mistakes and have what to learn.

It comes down to this. We as the parents are responsible to take action to get our children the best help that we can, and we know our children best and we will be accountable for taking care of them. If we ask a shailah, and don't get the answer that we think is good for our child, we have to grow up and take responsibility, and we are chiuv, to find the right answers. Most importantly, we must be advocates for our children. Don't bow to social pressure, nor to rabbinical admonitions. Your child comes first.

Chessed in Reporting Child Sexual Abuse in the Jewish Community

Chessed in Reporting.

“I see you’ve begun to read,” said Grandpa. He bought me a gift, Wizard of Oz.

My father said, "You like reading?" He handed me a stack of pornographic magazines.

My mother said, “You’ve begun to read.” She gave me her copy of How to Please a Man that my father bought her. “You read it,” she said, “Let me know if you learn anything worthwhile.”

I read everything.

I should have been sufficiently prepared, or should I say groomed, to accept the next step. Nonetheless, as my father’s hands groped at what was left of my innocence, I felt such a shock. It felt as though my neshama jumped right out of my body.

He molested me many afternoons over a period of a couple of months. He was very moody and began to sink into a serious depression. He soon became so emotionally impaired that he took himself to a psychiatrist to get medication.

It was there that, eventually, in a desperate attempt to stop himself from drowning in despair, he told that he had maybe been a little inappropriate with his daughter.

He was informed of the Law of Reporting by his psychiatrist. He was told to expect a police officer and a social worker to come to the house.

In the meantime, he continued to molest me. Even knowing that soon he was going to face public humiliation. He just wouldn’t stop.

The day came, finally, when the authorities showed up at our home. The day when we should have felt that everything was crashing down on us.

Instead, we felt relieved. 

Living in that dysfunctional family with that tormented man had been torture for all of us.

And nothing would have stopped him. Only those handcuffs. Only sitting in jail, at the lowest point of his life. 

My father accepted full responsibility for molesting me. He was glad it was stopped.

Now to the present.

A family went to their Rav to discuss the odd behavior of a certain gentleman in the kehilla. He had been acting inappropriately with the children. The Rav decided to watch on the man. The Rav received more reports. He talked to the man. He threatened him.

It didn't stop the pedophile. The man continued to attack the innocence of so many children. The pedophile finally messed with the wrong family. That boy told his mother, and she believed him. Knowing the Rav wouldn’t help, she went to the police.

The Rav found out and stood up in front of the kehilla and said, “One may not go to the police without discussing it with a Rav. Reporting to the secular authorities can destroy lives.”

Yet how many lives were destroyed before the pedophile was arrested?

And how many lives were saved as a result of reporting to the secular authorities? Numerous lives, numerous souls were saved by reporting it to the authorities and finally putting a stop to the abuse.

It is a chessed. If you suspect someone is a child molester, report it.

written by child molesters

Who is a child molester?

I may be well known and liked by you and your child.

I can be married or single.

I can be any age.

I can be religious, or not.

I can be a family friend, a teacher, a babysitter, a family member, or anyone who comes in contact with children.

I am likely to be a stable, employed, respected member of the community.

My education and my intelligence don't prevent me from molesting your child.

I can be anybody.

How Child Molesters Gain Access to Your Child

It is very easy.

I pay attention to your child and make them feel special.

I appear to be someone you and your family can trust and rely on.

I get to know your child's likes and dislikes very well.

I go out of my way to buy gifts or treats your child will like.

I isolate your child by involving him or her in fun activities so we can be together.

If you are a busy parent, you are glad that I am giving your child attention.

I may spend my free time helping children or taking them on special outings by myself.

I take advantage of your child's natural curiosity, by telling dirty jokes, showing them pornography and playing immodest games.

I know a lot about what kids like; i.e. music, clothing, games, language, etc.

If I am a parent, it is easy for me to isolate, control, and molest my own children. I can block the communication between my children and their mother, and make it look like I'm the "good guy".

I may touch your child in your presence so that the child thinks you allow me to touch them.

Why Don't Child Molesters Always Get Caught?

Once I start, I will do everything possible to continue molesting your child.

I am very selfish and do not care if my behavior hurts children. And I will not stop on my own.

Once I've begun molesting your child, I maintain their cooperation and silence through guilt, shame, fear and sometimes “love”.

I convince your child that they are responsible for my behavior.

I make your child think no one will believe them if they tell on me.

I tell your child that you will be disappointed in them for what they have done "with" me.

I warn your child that they will be the one who will be punished if they talk.

I may threaten your child with physical violence against them, you, a pet or another loved one.

I can get a child to feel sorry for me or believe that they are the only one who understands me.

If I am a family member or live in a home with children, my behavior may look accidental.  I "accidentally" expose myself or "accidentally" walk in on children while they are using the bathroom or changing clothes.

If I am a family member, my behavior might look "normal" to other people. I may use situations like tucking kids in at night to touch them.

I may be a family member who acts as if this is a normal thing for us to do together, so the child doesn't realize or know to tell.

I may be so good at manipulating children that they may try to protect me because they love me.

Prevention

Don't feel that your child is safe from me! At least one out of every four children will be molested by the age of eighteen. Here are some ways to protect children from me.

Don't expect your child to be able to protect themselves from me or assume that they will be able to tell you that I am abusing them.

Communicate:  listen, believe and trust what your child tells you. Children rarely lie about abuse.

Educate: teach your child healthy values about their bodies. If you don't teach your child, I will.

Watch for any symptoms of molestation that your child might demonstrate.

Read to your child books that teach children about safety against child molestation.

Give your child specific information about where on their body they should not be touched or touch others.

Let them know that people who touch children's private parts are wrong.

Talk to your child about the ways someone might try to "trick" them into going along with "secret touching." Give examples of how child molesters convince kids to not tell.

Make sure your child knows that you want them to tell you immediately if something ever happens and that, despite what anyone else may tell them, they will not be in trouble.

Get to know your child's friends and the homes in which your child plays.

Be wary of older children or adults who want to spend a lot of time alone with your child.

Trust your intuition: if you feel something is not right in your child's relationships, act on it.

Have "safety talks" with your children several times a year.

Give information to kids about the risks of encountering child molesters and explicit materials on MP4s, Ipods, and the internet.

This information was taken from a brochure developed and written by child molesters in treatment at The Center for Behavioral Intervention, established by Steven H. Jensen.

blog for jews against molestation

This is meant to be a blog for parents, survivors, anyone hurt by child molestation in the Jewish Community, whether orthodox, charedi, ultra-orthodox, chassidic, and all the variations of those spellings, haredi, hasidic and just otherwise frum people affected by child sexual abuse in the religious Jewish world.