Homemade EMDR

Homemade EMDR. I just made that up. Sounds like this article should be about lemonade or something to eat, but it's better than that.

I think Homemade EMDR is safe and gentle because you are in complete control and responsible for yourself, as is the case with any self-help techniques. But as a disclaimer, anything you learn from me and try on yourself, is your responsibility. I also want to say that while I had been classified as having complex PTSD, I did not have any issues with disassociating or other mental illness.

I figured out how to do Homemade EMDR on myself, after I first experienced a very unprofessional version of EMDR at my 12 step support group. One day the group got onto the topic of therapies, and EMDR came into the conversation. A couple of women had done EMDR with therapists. One woman said it made her too dizzy and she didn't like it. The other woman agreed that it made her feel a little off for awhile, mentioning a headache for a few hours, but that overall she thought it worked great. One woman offered to show us how it's done, on anyone willing to be her victim.

I volunteered and my fellow survivor directed the EMDR for me. In the end, it was pretty much useless. She really had no idea what she was doing, and neither did I. But when I saw that it was just moving the eyes back and forth, I decided to try it again at home by myself.

 

So one day, when my poor husband forgot to buy milk on his way home from work or for some other such betrayal of trust that I blew way out of proportion in my head and heart, I became enraged. I wanted to kill him, perhaps not literally. But I did want to throw things. I wanted to hit something or someone. You probably get the point that I was about to throw a great big tantrum. Some of you might understand how a small irritation can trigger all those old feelings and cause a total overreaction to the present situation. However, as Victor Frankl wrote, there is a point between thought and feeling where you can choose. I realized that I was boiling with rage, and before I did or said anything damaging, in fact before I expressed my rage in any way, I headed straight for my bedroom, without making a scene, and I quietly locked my bedroom door. I sat on my bed and found two places on the wall. Later I would discover that the bathroom was an easier place to sneak off to, that the shower curtain had great spots for EMDR, and that no one would bother me there, not even my little kids.

That first time, sitting on my bed, I chose spots on the wall that were a comfortable distance apart, and that allowed my eyes to move from one side of my visual field to the other side. While still fuming and thinking those angry thoughts, I looked from one spot to the other, moving my eyes back and forth, back and forth. To be clear, I was not relaxed. This was not meditation. I was furious. And while thinking those furious thoughts and feeling those furious feelings, I did the eye movements. Eventually, I calmed down. I can't say how long it took, maybe 5 minutes, maybe 25 minutes. But afterward, I was able to go back out to my family, and rejoin humanity.

Years later, looking back, I can say that this Homemade EMDR saved my life. It certainly helped increase my qaulity of life. I often used it on troublesome feelings or thoughts.

So let me once again reiterate how I did my Homemade EMDR, and add one last thing. 

1. I became engaged in an upsetting feeling or thought. 
2. I would make the choice that I wanted to do EMDR on it. 
3. I would go to a quiet place, or at least as private a place as possible.
   
4. I would find two points on the wall. The points were a comfortable width apart, so that my eyes were travelling a comfortable but significant distance from side to side.
   
5. I would look from one point on the wall, to the other, back and forth, back and forth, while feeling those feelings, thinking those thoughts. The intensity on the feelings would diminish.
6. Once I started calming down, and while still doing the eye movements, I engaged in positive self-talk and positive thoughts, usually pertinent to the issue at hand. 

I went looking for resources to share with you, and found a wealth of stuff. I picked what I thought most helpful or interesting, choosing video and audio coverage on this topic, to share with you. Check these out:

See this for a great Overview of an EMDR Session (she's a little hard to hear, but worth it) She shows the tapping method:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQLic6fmoE0&feature=related

This is about using EMDR for Anger (validates my personal experience):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUAbO9qtlDg&feature=related

Here is a great Homemade Eye Movement YouTube Video for Relaxation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5IRwMqZSMg&feature=related

This, on using EMDR for smoking, is neat. I do have to say that the eye movements don't have to be as fast as that doctor is doing them, in the first video. Eye movements should be at a comfortable pace, with the client in control of the speed, which is why doing it yourself, or choosing the speed of the machine is the best. Also, the addition of audio is fairly new, and not necessary.

http://quinten.wordpress.com/2011/02/15/stop-smoking-with-emdr/

Here is an Audio interview including a general overview of EMDR.

http://www.thepsychfiles.com/2007/06/episode-19-eye-movement-desensitization-and-reprocessing-an-interview-with-jamie-oneil/

 

The Pleasure Factor of Child Sexual Abuse

By the age of 11 years old, I was used to the lack of physical affection from both of my parents. It didn't occur to me to question why I was rarely ever hugged or cuddled. There was physical affection in my home, but it was very one sided. My parents often asked me to scratch their backs or rub their shoulders or massage their feet. But a child needs physical affection, too. So when my father, who almost never touched me, except to spank me occassionally, invited me to sit next to him to receive a back rub, I was quite happy to do so. I certainly didn't protest when he lifted my shirt to move it out of the way.

When his hands moved around to my front, however, I got such a shock. It felt like my soul flew right out of my body. But then I was slowly lulled back into my body by the pleasurable feelings that are a body's natural response to sexual stimulation. I liked the touch.  I didn't stop him. I didn't even consider it.

Then he pushed me away, made an ugly face at me, and said with disgust, "You liked that." I was very confused. I could not comprehend what had just happened, and had no clue as to why he was shaming me. All I did know was that I liked the physical touch. So when my father proceeded to molest me at other times and in other ways, I made it easy for him. Only when he was finished and turned mean did I feel the incredible shame for liking it.

For me, sexual pleasure, love, and shame, became entangled, and that strangled my healthy sexual and psychological development.

As a result of specifically the pleasure factor:

I could not tell anyone, because to do so would force me to admit my shameful feelings of pleasure,

I was so angry and ashamed of myself for liking it and wanting it, that I often felt I wanted to die,

I felt sexual feelings in every relationship, and had intrusive sexual thoughts about the people I interacted with,

I sexualized relationships, thinking that the goal of a relationship was to have sex, and that to express love was by sex,

I had to make a conscious decision not to become a perpetrator, by realizing that kids really don't want sex,  understanding that my personal problems stemmed from this internalized web of sex, love, and shame, and by acknowledging that I would never wish that confusion and pain on another human being.

How does one come to terms with the pleasure factor?

Acceptance.  Instead of fighting it and trying to run from the shame, trying to minimize it or reconcile it, I had to face it. I allowed myself to feel the shame of it. It hurt, and I cried.

I also had to do a little EMDR on myself to address the intrusive sexual feelings. 

And I had to accept myself, my humanness, my seeming imperfection.

I know supporters of survivors want us to know that it wasn't our fault, that we were just children, that our bodies did what bodies do, that we didn't really want sex, that we only wanted love. All these arguments are true.

But first we need to be allowed to own those feelings.

So, my survivor friends, I know about that pleasure factor. You are not alone.

Can you imagine that I would have reacted in a very similar manner had I been in your situation? It was normal to feel that pleasure and it is even normal to feel that shame. But what wasn't normal was for that child to be taken advantage of sexually. That shame belongs to the perpetrator. Shame on him!

I do hope you will work this issue just like you've worked the other aspects of the sexual abuse, using your self-help tools and/or your therapist. You will get through it. And then I hope you'll internalize all that good stuff that our advocates are trying to tell us.  I also hope that you seek and find non-sexual love and affection and attention, and non-perverted non-abusive sexuality.

Full Color

When I was fourteen, I attempted suicide by taking an overdose of antidepressants. This act landed me in a psychiatric hospital where the only department for teenagers was limited to drug and alcohol addicts. For my three month stay they didn't know what to do with a teenaged incest survivor. A few days before my release, a therapist escorted me into the psychodrama therapy room, handed me a bat, pointed me toward a blow up doll, told me to think of the doll as my father, and encouraged me to "hit him". I understood then, that I was supposed to get angry at my father. That's about all the clarity I got out of that.

Unfortunately, that few minutes of psychodrama caused untold damage to the rest of my teenage years, as I had unlocked the door to my anger, but didn't have any further tools to know how to deal with such terribly consuming rage. I ended up acting out in very destructive ways, being hurtful to the people who loved me by raging and being out of control. I often justified my bad behaviors with the fact that I was an incest survivor.

Eventually I hit rock bottom and decided that I might very well have to figure out how to live a meaningful life, and that the first thing I needed to do was to start healing. However, I didn't want to go to a therapist. I needed to be completely in control of my healing. So I read many self help books, and discovered the Twelve Steps. I attended every twelve-step group that I could find that was applicable, going to groups as much as twice a day.

One evening, after a twelve-step meeting, I met up with a friend who encouraged me to try doing some anger work. At the time, I was so consumed with grief and anger that my life was dark and depressing. You could say I was deep in the tunnel, stumbling forward blindly, with no light in sight. By now I was a young adult, had read and learned a lot about recovering from abuse, and was in complete control of my healing. The anger work I was going to attempt to do, was very similar to what I was exposed to as a teen in the hospital. However, this time I understood the process. I was in control. And I had made the choice to do the work.

I met my friend outside of a meeting place, in a large, deserted, low lit parking lot, and I picked up the first thing I found, an abandoned sport shoe. I threw it to the ground, picked it up, threw it down, and allowed and encouraged myself to put voice to the pain and anger. I yelled and screamed and cursed my father.  I did this repeatedly and to the point of complete exhaustion, with my final words being, "How could you?"

That night, I slept like a baby and the next day, as I walked the very familiar path from my apartment to my car, I looked at the world in wonder. The flowers were purple. The sky was blue. Was the grass always so green? My world went from shades of gray to full color. It was awesome.

Resilience and Relaxation

The website, Israel Center for the Treatment of PsychoTrauma, is a must see, and while their expertise may or may not include child sexual abuse, they certainly know trauma and have a great outlook on recovery, discussing strengthening the resilience factor in people exposed to trauma and thereby lessening the long term effects. Click on Trauma Information in the side bar for some good info.

From there, I linked to this wonderful site that gives tons of ideas for helping your child and the whole family, to relax. Don't miss her various categories on the side bar, especially Laughter Meditation!

http://kidsrelaxation.com/

Here is my favorite page at the I.C.T.P. website:

Improving Resilience

There are a several factors that help us cope more effectively with stressful and traumatic situations. These factors improve our natural resilience and help us turn what might be a distressing and depressing situation into one of personal growth and development.

On this page you will find some tips that may help you increase your natural resilience in the face of difficult events. We hope you will find the following tips helpful.

• Devote time to relationships
  People who have close and meaningful ties with family and friends tend to cope better during times of distress. Spending time with family and friends both creates a sense of belonging and mutuality, and creates a support network for hard times.
• Acquire knowledge about the situation
  Accurate and current knowledge about the situation you are in will help you make more informed decisions. This knowledge can also help neutralizes exaggerated fears, which often stem from the unknown.
• Talk about your feelings with people close to youEvery one of us sometimes feels the need to relieve some of the stress that accumulates during rough times. Opportunities to talk about the feelings we experience allow us to “let off steam” and return to normal functioning. In addition, we may be surprised to discover that other people feel similar to us. This discovery allows us to share the burden of thoughts and doubts with another person who is close to us.
• Maintain physical health
  There is a proven link between nutrition, physical condition and stress. Stressful situations present taxing demands on our bodies, and gradually deplete our physical resources. This typically results in fatigue and physical aches and pains. Taking responsibility for our body -- healthy nutrition, physical exercise and enough sleep -- gives the body an opportunity to renew its resources and repair the damage done by stress.
• Relaxation exercisesPractice of daily relaxation exercises can help you cope with the pressures and stress of everyday life. The more regularly you exercise, the more your body will learn to relax easily and maintain a natural balance. This will directly affect your mood and peace of mind. Try exercising once or twice a day, each time for several minutes.
• Maintain a daily routine
  Keeping a daily routine is a way to show yourselves and the world that there is nothing that can break or scare you. It is a brave statement declaring that you continue to live and hope as usual, regardless of the obstacles along the way.
• Use your sense of humor
  Laughter allows us to see the brighter side of reality, and helps us emerge from situations of anxiety or stress. A sense of humor also improves our physical health and allows us to find creative solutions to difficulties.
• Help others in need
  Find ways to volunteer and do something for others. Much psychological research shows that people who give of themselves feel more in control, more capable, and cope better with stressful situations. The very knowledge that we make a difference to somebody else is an incentive not to give up or give in to despair.
• Devote time to a hobby
  Make some time each day for something you enjoy doing: sports, art, hiking or anything else you choose, in order to relax and remember that even in the difficult daily routine there are bright points that make living worthwhile.
• Hope and Optimism
  Work on trying to see the bright side of things and the light at the end of the tunnel. In every dark situation, there are moments of shining humanity; try to find those moments and treasure them.

Stop It Now

A (non-Jewish) website aimed at prevention of child sexual abuse and molestation, called Stop It Now, is a must see for advocates, survivors, and parents.

On this page, they address the subject of child and adolescents molesting other children.

http://www.stopitnow.org/signs_child_adolescent_risk_harm_child

Further down that page you can click on an article about age appropriate sexual behaviors. 

On this page:  http://www.stopitnow.org/signs_adult_risk_harm_child    look for the Let's Talk Guidebook (pdf) for how to talk to a family member about their possible dangerous attraction or behavior.

Also, check out their ParentTalk archives for some touching articles written by parents of both victims and adolescent perpetrators.

Online Support for Jewish Survivors of Child Molestation

Are you a survivor looking for support online? Here is what I have found:

Imamother is a general forum for Jewish mothers, but has private forums for mothers of children who were molested. Also, it has a hidden forum for survivors of child molestation and incest abuse:
http://imamother.com/forum/index.php
And, All Us Sheffelech is specifically for Jewish Survivors of child molestation and incest abuse, with  a section for advocates as well, I believe.

http://allussheffelech.proboards.com/index.cgi

Violated Child

This (anonymous) courageous survivor's voice was found on Tzedek-Tzedek blogspot. It has been edited for this web site, but it is still quite graphic and could be triggering or upsetting:

Surviving and Healing

I was seven.  My sister was eight.

We went to the Yeshiva for shacharis with Tatty.  Zaidy liked it when we came.

After davening Zaidy took us into his office.  He put his hands under my clothes.

. . .I looked at him shocked.

“Don't look at me,” he said.  “Look at the sefarim.”

I looked at the glass doors, behind them rows of meshnayos and shas, some of the books
too heavy to lift.

I made my mind leave the Rosh Yeshiva's office. . .


If I would have looked into his eyes, would he have seen my terror, my pain?

Would I have seen any shame or guilt in his?

But I was taught to listen and so I looked at the sefarim, not at my grandfather.

After he was done he asked us, “Do I need to get married again?”

Then he told us that he loved one of us more than the other. I knew it was my sister he loved more.

My sister says that she doesn't remember any of this. She is so lucky.


*************

I am an adult now.

I take the younger part of me, my inner child, by the hand and bring her back to the Yeshiva, into the office full of sefarim, back onto the holy territory where she was violated.

She is not scared, because I'm with her. She is enraged.

My grandfather sits on the rocking chair that he kept there.  There is a sefer Torah wrapped in a talis on the shelf behind him.

She opens one of the glass doors and takes out a tome of Shas.  She staggers under its weight.

She is not scared.  She knows I will protect her, and that he can't hurt her anymore.

She uses the book to smash all of the glass in all of the shelves.  She rips, snatches, out the sefarim and throws them at my grandfather and onto the floor. She is furious.  She opens the holy books and rips out the pages, crumples them up and throws them, stamps on them, and stuffs them into his open shocked mouth.

I let her do this.  She needs to do this. . .

. . . Then she takes a broken piece of glass and uses it like a knife to cut off the finger that hurt her. . . He starts to rise.  I warn him with my eyes. You touch her and you’re finished.  He sits back down.
She pulls down the sefer Torah from on top of the shelf behind him. She unwraps it and pulls it open.  Using a piece of broken glass as a knife she cuts a long piece;  Long as an adult scarf.

Holding Parshas Vayehrah she climbs up onto his chair, wraps the Torah around his neck and squeezes it as tightly as she can..


I let her do this.  She needs to do this.

Zaidy's face turns blue, scared eyes popping out on top of the words, “Sodom.”. . .He stops breathing to Parshas Vayerah.

He stops breathing, strangled by the Torah, and the child, who he violated together in his office.


She looks at me.

“Are you done?”

Almost.

She goes over to his shtender and pushes it over.  It falls onto his face. . .

We survey the damage in silence.  We take. . .the broken glass, the torn sefarim, the wounded Torah, the dead Rosh Yeshiva.

We are satisfied.  I take her hand and we leave together...

Scream of Tamar

Still Screaming - Is Anyone Listening,  the short version found on Tzedek-Tzedek blogspot, an article written by Rabbi Ron Yitzchok Eisenman, Rabbi of Congregation Ahavas Israel in Passaic, NJ, and originally published in the Jewish Star.

. . .Daf Yomi learned Sanhedrin, daf 21. Toward the end of the first amud, the Gemara discusses a very unfortunate incident of molestation and abuse that occurred in King David’s very own palace!

Let us take a look at the verses, exactly as they appear in our Holy Tanach, in the book of Shmuel 2 (13:6-13).

“6. And Amnon lay down and feigned sickness; and the king (David) came to see him, and Amnon said to the king, ‘Let my sister Tamar come now, and make two dumplings before my eyes; that I may eat from her hand.’”

7. And David sent home to Tamar saying, ‘Go now to your brother Amnon’s house, and prepare the food for him.

8. And Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house and he was lying down. And she took the dough, and kneaded it, and she prepared the dumplings before his eyes, and she cooked the dumplings.”

9. And she took the pan and poured [them out] before him: but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, ‘Take everyone out from me.’ And everyone went out from him.

10. And Amnon said to Tamar, ‘Bring the food into the chamber that I may eat from your hand.’ And Tamar took the dumplings that she had made and brought them to Amnon her brother into the chamber.

11. And she brought them near to him to eat and he took hold of her and said to her, ‘Come lay with me, my sister.’”

12. And she said to him, ‘No, my brother, do not force me, for it is not done so in Israel; do not do this wanton deed.

13. And I, where shall I lead my shame? And [as for] you, you shall be like one of the profligate men in Israel. And now I beg of you to speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.’

14. But he would not heed her and he overpowered her, and forced her, and lay with her.”

This incident is certainly not one that brought pride or honor to King David and the Jewish people; however, the Torah tells it as it was and it is for us to learn the lessons.

The verses themselves are powerful enough to tell of the dangers of molestation; however, I would like to focus on the next few verses — the focal point of the Gemara’s discussion.

How did Tamar react to her molestation? How did she react to her abuse and to her abuser? Let’s read further in the chapter:

"18. Now she had on a striped tunic, for in this manner the king’s virgin daughters dressed, in robes. And his servant brought her outside, and locked the door after her.

19. And Tamar put ashes on her head, and she went about, crying aloud as she went."

What did Tamar do? Did she “cover up”her shame? Did she attempt to deal with the issue (as one so-called ‘prominent’ person once told me that these things have to be dealt with) shtiller hait — in silence and privately?

No! Tamar went out publicly, as the Holy Torah says: and she went about, crying aloud as she went! She made a public display of her abuse and of her molestation.

She could not cover it up! She did not deal with it privately and in the secretive chamber of a rabbinic refectory.

No, Tamar went public and screamed and cried until all the women of the Jewish world knew about her molestation and her abuse.


Go to this article on Tzedek-Tzedek blogspot to read more about how the rabbis of the Gemara reacted.

Tshuva

At this time of year I have been working very hard on my anger toward certain rabbonim. The best I have come to, which really helped actually, is to accept their humanness.

The rabbonim who have covered up for the pedophiles and minimized the abuse suffered by the children, are completely wrong and dangerously so. But they are human beings, making mistakes.

Giavah is a human weakness. I can forgive them for their human weaknesses.

I don't accept their actions. I hold them accountable for the damage they have done. I would never trust those  rabbonim again.

The children, when they are old enough, are the only ones who can actually forgive them, if they choose to, for the cover up and protection of the pedophiles which allowed many of these children to get hurt.

As for hope in the tshuva of the rabbonim, I think that is a weakness, but one I am working to overcome. It has gotten much easier when this Nachalot crisis happened, and I saw the community, including their rabbonim, respond with such appropriateness and support. That's when I realized, there is no excuse for the other rabbonim to make, and stand firm on, the mistakes they have made, other than the human error I mentioned.

When our community faces reality, that certain rabbonim have failed us, then we can move on to be better advocates for the children and families, and not risk their well being with the hopes that those rabbonim will 'do it right this time'.

Survivors, Add Your Voice!

If you are a Jewish Survivor of Child Molestation and want to tell your story, this board is for you. You can express yourself here in whatever way feels comfortable, through creative writing, poetry, or with a historical, factual accounting. Due to the sensitivity of the readers, we only ask that there be no explicit triggering descriptions. We can help you with any editing. Please send your important work to our editor at shomrimyeladim@gmail.com for approval and uploading.

Letters from Off the Derech

"You don't really believe that stuff, do you?" asked Harvey, pointing at the Chumash that my husband had just quoted during a dvar Torah at the Shabbos table. Harvey was my new step father, a 64 year old man, who claimed he was raised an Orthodox Jew and had gone to yeshiva, and proud of the fact that he walked away from that lifestyle and never looked back.

Time kind of froze. I looked at Harvey. I looked at my young children sitting there at the table and I was thankful that they were not sure what the grown ups were talking about. I really was quite shocked, both by what Harvey had said, and by the complete distress he seemed to be in. He was literally shaking with rage.

"This is what the kids believe, Harvey, let's not ruin the evening," said my Mom, trying to cool things quickly between her husband and mine. It was almost too late, as my husband had risen from his seat, ready to throw Harvey out of the house.

"Don't worry. This is just typical yeshivish banter. I remember great arguments in yeshiva that would even come to fist fights. Isn't that right, Josh?" asked Harvey, looking smug.

This outburst happened after my husband had just read the parsha describing "The Blessings and The Curses," the blessings being what H will do for those who keep the Torah, and the curses describing what could happen to those who do not. At the moment that Harvey spoke those blasphemous words, I had this fleeting thought that he would not outlive my mother, as he had so threatened to do, in his hopes of selling all her jewelry before I got any because he said that all a frum jew wanted was to live off community charity, social welfare, and leech off their parents.

Six months later, when we heard that Harvey was dying of lung cancer, as a result of a lifelong habit of smoking, which he claimed he picked up in yeshiva, I didn't feel sad, more like vindicated that he was being punished for his apikorsis.

One day, as his end drew near, my mom called me with a request.

"Listen, Rachel, I know you haven't had a good relationship with Harvey, but remember how he said Shema for Grandma on her death bed, and even said Kaddish for her afterward? Well, he is nearing the end, and he can't speak with all those tubes in him, and I think he would really like for you to say Shema for him. I could just hold the phone up to his ear so he can listen to you. I will call you when it gets to that point."

His last hours came sooner than expected and I got the call from my mother at Harvey's bed side. I imagined him there, listening to my words, and this incredible rage welled up inside me toward him. I shakily said the first part of the Shema. But when I got to the part about "beware...lest you turn astray...then the wrath of H will blaze against you..." my anger poured out through each word which I emphasized to make them sound threatening and foreboding. This apikoris was dying and I had no rachmonis for him. I was glad to see him leave this world where he worked adamantly to destroy my relationship with my naive non-religious mother, mocking my chosen baalai tshuva lifestyle with such cruelty.

Several weeks after Harvey passed away, my mother came to visit.

"Rachel, I brought something for you, from Harvey."

"What do you mean? I can't imagine that he left me something?

"Actually, he wrote you a letter. I read it first, to make sure it was okay. It's about his life. About why he left yeshiva, and why he stopped being religious."

"I don't think I want to read anything he wrote," I said.

"It's addressed to you. Just take it. You may one day decide to read it. I must warn you though. It might be a bit of a trigger, after all that you went through with your father."

My mother was referring to my tormented life having been molested by my father, her husband, when I was a pre-teen. I had spent many years healing from that devastation, and along my journey had become a baalas tshuva, gotten married, had a handful of children, and was living a stable, contented life, active in my community and busy with my family.

I didn't think that a letter from Harvey the Apikoris was going to mean anything to me.

Dear Rachel,

I was recently given the death sentence of lung cancer, and I know I am going to die soon. The cancer may have spread to my brain already because I keep blacking out. So I must write this down before it is too late, because I want you to know my story.

I was raised just the way you are raising your family. I went to cheder and then yeshiva. I had Shabbat and the holidays and Yom Kippur. I said Shema every day. I wore a beenie on my head and went to synagogue.
 
When I was 15 years old, I was called into a rebbe's office. He was a big man, with a long black coat, and deep acne scars on his face. I wasn't sure what I had done, but was certain this was not a good thing. When I came into the room, he was sitting at his big desk, and he told me to come in and lock the door. He proceeded to do things to me of a sexual nature that I cannot write down. Of course, he told me never to tell, and I was so ashamed, that I would never have told anyway. Who could I have told? I was already orphaned by my father. My mother would not listen to such a thing about a rebbe, such a religious looking man. So I kept this dark secret to myself until this day.

As soon as I could find a chance to leave yeshiva, I did, and I never looked back.

Seeing your family was very upsetting to me and reminded me of what happened. You think the life you are leading is an utopia, and I think it is a lie. A person can still be a good Jew and not have to isolate from the world. I can see how you give your complete respect and total trust over to these fanatics that are really just trying to brainwash you. You think they are so holy with their long black coats, but I know the truth. They are no better than you or I. In fact some are much worse.

I am not against G-d, only against religious people that not only harbor such vile perverts, but actually give them honor, and allow such a person to be in charge of children.

And another thing, while your children are young, you may control their lives completely and force that beenie on their heads. But I just want you to know that my yeshiva buddies and I would run to McDonald's every chance we could to get a cheeseburger. So don't fool yourself about this life. Your kids are too young now to complain, but one day they will likely rebel against all these restrictions, just as I did. Especially if they (G-d forbid) witness the hypocrisy in the way I was forced to by that rebbe. I just hope that you will come to your senses before anything like that ever happens to your kids.

Signed, Harvey


My first thoughts were, this man was like a holocaust survivor, only of a holocaust that people don't talk about. They say regarding holocaust survivors, any survivor coming out of the holocaust with their emunah in tact is a miracle. The same can be said for a survivor of child sexual abuse.

Harvey had a lot of anger that he didn't work through, obviously. Maybe if he had worked on this issue he would have been less of an apikorsis, and instead, aimed his anger at the those who truly deserve it, the pedophile, and those who he seemed to think would cover it up.

His letter gave me pause to ask myself these questions:  Am I guilty of blindly trusting the rabbaim? Am I ignorantly believing that the rebbes and charedim are safe and normal and trustworthy?

Many years later I would look back and honestly, painfully, answer these questions.


Dear Harvey,

I recall that after your death I got very very sick with a virus that made me feel like I was dying, and in my pain I was able to do tshuva about how cruelly I had felt and acted toward you on your death bed. When I was feeling better, I begged my husband to say kaddish for you and I lit a yartzeit candle and continue to do that on your yearly yartzeit.

But I still maintained a sense of bitterness toward you which has now been completely eradicated from my heart. Harvey, I am sorry. The way you expressed your pain came out so difficult to hear, but I have to admit that I sensed something important behind that pain at my Shobbos table, but chose to ignore it and rise up in righteous indignation instead. I wish I could do that chapter of my life over again and give you another chance.

You were right in warning me. My perfect utopian charedi life has failed me. My boys, my sweet innocent beautiful boys, have both been victims of child molestation in my charedi community. They are teenagers now. My oldest boy took off his tsitsis, grew his hair out, and has a girlfriend (which I am thankful for in a bittersweet sort of way, that she is a she and not a he). My youngest boy, always a very spiritual person, has kept his faith, but is not charedi.

You were right, that I did trust blindly. I did naively believe that all charedim were safe, trustworthy, good people. I chose this lifestyle because I believed that tznius was the answer to perversity. And it was, for my daughters. They were raised in a safe and secure manner, in a segregated all girls school with only women teachers. Knowing what I know now, the fact that they were never molested is a miracle (and possibly a result of my extreme overprotectiveness) because there are charedi women and girls who molest, and charedi males that attack charedi girls.

I just never imagined that my sons could be in danger. I am painfully, devastatingly, horrified that there is such perversity in our seemingly holy society. But more than that, the response to this issue by my community was not what I expected, and broke my heart. In both my boys' cases, and in other cases in the community that I later found out about, there had been cover ups and minimizations and parents were verbally attacked for their so-called bad parenting and their upset feelings. People, including a Kehilla Rav, had known about the pedophile that got to one of my sons. No one called police, no one warned potential victims, no one chased the pedophile away from children, even though he was often seen with children in his car. Instead, people asked, who gave the psak to talk about this or to name the perp. Parents who knew for a fact that their children were victimized refused to go to the police, and those who asked a psak were told by local rabbonim that they should not report.

My community let me down, betrayed my trust. I lost my faith in both charedim and rabbonim.

And now I too am off the derech.

Rachel

Pedophile's Burning Sefer Torah

Sefer Torah Burning…

This is an excerpt from the blog of mekubal.wordpress.com.

The Rav asked what the pedophile had done(amazing not everyone in Nahalaot knows about this), and when the sofer told him, the Rav shook with rage. . .  It took him a few moments, and then he said, “Burn it (the Sefer Torah from the pedophile).  Blot out every remembrance of him.”  He went on for a quite a while explaining al pi sod and other things, why even if you could sell (it) and use the money to help the children, it would still be damaging to them.  The best thing of all was simply to burn it.

Rocky's comment:
This is the most validating response I’ve seen to this issue. The absolute shock and pain and horror of (even the idea of) burning a sefer Torah resembles the feelings a parent feels when learning that their precious child was burned by the perversity of a child molester.

What is Child Molestation?

What is child molestation? The following are two examples that show how complicated this issue is, and how child sexual abuse isn't just about rape or even requires physical molestation.

Shira was eleven years old when her father would stay home in the afternoons because her mother took a new job that required working long hours. Her father started drinking beer in the early afternoon, and he began to make uncomfortable rules in the house. She was told that she wasn't allowed to lock the bathroom door anymore. Then her father would "accidentally" come in and look at her when she was using the toilet or taking a shower. Also, her father would walk through the house without any clothes on, supposedly on his way to take a shower. He would stare at Shira and make comments about her already needing a bra. He finally crossed the line in a very clear way when he insisted on washing her back in the shower. 

At age 13, Motty's 20 year old brother Shmuel took him to the zoo. Shmuel insisted that they stay at the elephant's exhibit to watch the elephants. It was very upsetting to Motty because the elephants were mating and he didn't understand what they were doing. He thought they were stuck together and hurting each other. So, in a crude and ugly manner, Shmuel taught sex education to a very shocked youngster.Another time, Shmuel took Motty to an art museum, insisting they spend most of their time looking at the nude portraits and sculptures. Shmuel would make comments about Motty's private parts, implying that he was sexually aroused. One day Shmuel took Motty on a hike and convinced the boy to take off all his clothes in order to splash in the stream, and then Motty saw that Shmuel was video taping him..


Many adults think that child molestation must include physical touching of private parts, but the experts define child sexual abuse (or child molestation, which are terms used interchangeably), as any experience of a sexual nature that is imposed upon a child.

The Right Response

Posted by www.shomrimyeladim.com.

The Right Response

Something happened to my child. I want you to know about it. I hope it will help you to protect your children.

For over a year, there was a man from our kehilla who would park his car in my building’s parking lot, where all the children played every afternoon. His grandchildren lived in my building. At first I thought he was coming to visit them, but then I noticed he parked there even when his own grandchildren were not around. He became very friendly with the boys who played in the parking lot. He fixed their bikes and helped build forts. He gave rides to and from school. He took some boys swimming. I would often see neighborhood boys climbing in and out of his car. A few times the grandfather invited my son into his car. 

“Mom, that grandfather is not normal,” my son told me one day.

“You think so. Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Never mind. I think it’s loshen hara,” said my son.

“There is a halacha called loshen hara l’toeles. It means that if something is bothering you, you can tell someone close to you about it. My children can tell their Mommy everything.”

“Ok. The grandfather does not-tznius things,” my son blurted out.

“Oh no,” I said, forcing myself to stay calm. “What kinds of not-tznius things does he do?”

“I can’t tell you Mom. It’s not something you would know about,” he said, “Because you’re a tznua.”

“You can tell me about the not-tznius stuff. I’m a grown up. I will understand,” I reassured.

My son explained how the man had molested him and other boys, while sitting in a car, in broad daylight, in a busy parking lot, with grown ups walking past and mothers sitting in the shade nearby.

“Mom, he was always so nice to all of us kids. But every time I went in his car he would do not-tznius stuff. I didn’t know what to do. He made it seem like a joke. Other kids laughed with him. Only, it wasn’t funny to me. I can’t believe I just sat there.”

“I think it was a bit shocking to you,” I explained. “Most people, even grown-ups, don’t know what to do when something not-tznius happens.”

“It was confusing,” my son continued. “He tried to make everything seem fun, like we were having a good time, eating treats and nosh. He even gave some kids money.”

“Did he tell you not to tell?” I asked.

“Not exactly,” my son replied. “He just said that whoever told loshen hara about him was going to gehenom. And remember how he made us get your permission to come with him in the first place? Well, he would remind us that our mothers allowed us to go with him.”

“You went into his car several times. Can you tell me what made you go back again?” I gently asked.

“I don’t know,” my son replied. “I tried to pretend that it hadn’t really happened. Then I told myself it really wasn’t so bad, that the fun of hanging out with the other neighbor boys was worth it. Some of it was interesting, too, in an icky sort of way. I was also bored, and it was something to do.”

“I understand. Listen, you can probably tell that I am upset,” I admitted. “I want you to know, I am not at all  upset with you. OK? I love you very much and I’m proud of you for telling me.

“You are safe now and everything is going to be ok,” I reassured. “And now that we’re clear about this guy, you must stay far away from him. Don’t go near his car. And tell all the neighbor kids that he is dangerous and they should stay away from him, too.”

2

After the conversation with my son, I called my husband at shul, and briefed him on what happened. He said he was coming home and that we were going to call the police. Before leaving shul he told the Rav what was going on. The Rav called me.

“Your husband told me about the suspected child molester in our community,” said the Rav. “I admit I am a bit shocked. As you know the grandfather has been a member of our kehilla for a long time.

“It is possible that this guy is a pedophile,” continued the Rav. “A pedophile is someone with a taivah for molesting children. They often appear trustworthy and involved in their community. I suppose we should’ve noticed his excess interest in the children. From what you tell me now, he spent way too much time being the neighborhood grandfather. That should’ve tipped us off that something wasn’t right.

“I’m really sorry for all of us, that this happened,” said the Rav. “Now we have a bit of an ordeal to get through. But it’s going to be ok. Everything is going to work out. Let me explain what to do.

“I want you to call Mercaz Hagana today, the Israeli child protection service agency. Or, you could go down to the local police station,” explained the Rav.

“I thought you were going to say we’ll turn him over to the Vaad HaTzniut,” I interrupted.

“We are law abiding citizens. We cannot take justice into our own hands. We are mandated by secular law to report an adult suspected of molesting children.

“Before we take such drastic action, I have to say this. I believe my son. However, other people, this grandfather even, could claim that my son is lying. Should we have strong proof before we report this?”

“Charedi children wouldn’t think to lie about child molestation. And for a boy to admit that something not-tznius happened with another male, is even more difficult. No boy would make up such a thing. All that aside, it isn’t our job to prove anything. We have a suspected case of child molestation. We have to report it. The authorities will make an investigation. They will decide if there is strong enough evidence to make a case.

“Let me explain about Mercaz Hagana,” the Rav continued. “Get an appointment as soon as possible. Your son will tell his story to a social worker while being videotaped. That video can later be used in court, if necessary. You will speak with a police officer and tell him everything you know. I assure you, Mercaz Hagana are the experts. And it’s important to utilize experts, especially at this stage, because we don’t want to further traumatize the children as they tell their stories.

 “Now, talk to your son about this trip to Mercaz Hagana ahead of time,” explained the Rav. “Then make the day as pleasant as possible. Take him out afterward for pizza or whatever he likes.

“Also,” the Rav continued, “I think it will help if I speak with the other families in your building. And you should too. Advise parents to talk gently with their children, and not to panic. We must emphasize to parents the importance of being supportive listeners to their children. And, everyone who knows anything, should be advised to call Mercaz Hagana or go to the local police station. From your observations, the case against this guy probably involves several children, and if they all testify against him, we may see real justice here. “

“But what about his family?” I asked. “They’re going to be devastated.”

“We can’t put his family in front of the safety of the children,” replied the Rav. “We have to be concerned about stopping him. It’s likely the family knows he has a problem, and they have ignored it or pretended nothing is wrong.”

“He’s a sick man. Doesn’t he just need therapy?” I asked. 

“Pedophiles are indeed sick individuals. Their thinking is perverted and distorted. They may actually be addicted to molesting children. Very few are willing to admit they did anything wrong. Adult men who have molested more than once are unlikely to be cured. We can only hope that from therapy, the molester will understand the damage he’s caused, and then make a commitment to stay completely away from children forever. But even if a pedophile were to be remorseful and committed to staying away from children, it is not the community’s responsibility to make sure he does that. We need the expert guidance and professional supervision of the secular authorities.”

“But isn’t it mesirah to go to the police?” I asked.

“Jewish Law places a pedophile in the category of a rodef. According to gadolei hador, and rabbonim who are experts on this issue, not only is it permissible, one must report those who molest children directly to the authorities, and that doing so is of benefit to society.”

3

“I thought that something terrible had to happen,” I said, “in order for it to be considered child molestation.  Is what happened to my son really that bad?”

“When it comes to child molestation, we are talking about the safety and well-being of a child. It is not for us to rate the abuse. Any form of child molestation rocks a child’s belief in the goodness of people. It is a betrayal of trust, an attack on their purity, an exploitation of their innocence. Our job is to do what we can to stop it, for the sake of our precious children and their holy neshamas.” 

“Do you think my son will need therapy?” I asked.

“Mercaz Hagana can advise whether your son needs therapy, depending on how traumatized he feels. Don’t worry. Even if your child needs therapy, he’ll be all right. You’ll want to find a therapist that uses a technique called EMDR. With a decent therapist, EMDR is an effective and short term therapy.”

“I am a little worried that if this gets out, it could ruin my son’s chances for a good shidduch,” I stated.

“The kids who don’t get help are in the worst shape. Finding a shidduch is the least of their problems. They are likely to suffer depression, behavior issues, and learning difficulties. They make up a significant proportion of those kids who go off the derech. And later on, without treatment, they can suffer intimacy problems in marriage.”

“Isn’t it a chillul HaSh-m, to let the secular world know that such a thing can happen in the Charedi community?”

“A pedophile can molest hundreds of children in his lifetime, going from community to community. The chillul HaSh-m is when no one stops him because they are afraid to ruin his life.”

“The children must come first,” continued the Rav. “There is no other way to stop this from becoming an epidemic in our Charedi world. If we take care of our own children and don’t stop the pedophile, we may be guilty of standing idly by while innocent blood is shed. May we all be brave and make the right decisions, and merit much nachas from our children.”

********************************************************************************************

“Can I talk to you?” I asked my son.

“But Mom, I’m in the middle of playing.”

“I need to talk to you about something really important. When you are ready, let me know,” I said. I realized the need to talk with my son not only when I had time, but when he was in a mood to listen.

“Ok, Mom. What’s so important?”

“Well, it’s about the grandfather,” I said, pausing, giving him a chance to understand what the conversation was going to be about. “We spoke with the Rav about him. What happened is very serious. The man needs to be stopped.”

“I know just what to do,” said my son. “Next time he drives into our parking lot, we’ll throw something at his car until he leaves.”

“Great idea. Should I buy a big bag of tomatoes?” I said, joining him in his imagination.

“Or better yet, eggs!” he exclaimed.

“Well, eggs are expensive. But I hear you,” I smiled. “Listen, in a minute I’ll give you some paper. It would be good for you to draw pictures about all this. But first, I want to ask you something. Would you be willing to go with me to a special police station, called Mercaz Hagana, and tell them everything that happened?”

“I don’t know. I guess. But, it’s embarrassing,” said my son.

“I understand. It can be embarrassing to talk about not-tznius stuff,” I validated. “The people there are experts though. You can tell them everything and they won’t be shocked. Their job is to talk to kids who’ve had not-tznius things happen to them. They want to stop bad guys like this.”

“But, are you sure it isn’t loshen hara?” asked my son, hoping for a loophole to get out of this.

“This is definitely loshen hara l’toeles. You’ll be doing a big mitzvah. You’ll be a hero for helping stop this man.”

4

“Mom. There is something else I need to tell you. My friend, the boy downstairs, tried to get me to do not-tznius stuff with him, also.”

“I see. Oy vey,” I said. “I saw him with the grandfather a lot. I’m sorry to say, when children are molested by a grown up, sometimes they get confused and do the same things to other kids. It is so sad. I will speak with his mom. This is a major reason why we’ve got to do everything we can to try to stop the grandfather.”

[Children who do not-tznius things to other children were likely also victimized. They are usually confused and stimulated by the sensual nature of the not-tznius actions, and are therefore compelled to act out what they experienced. A lot of times they are trying to take back their powerlessness of victimization, by overpowering and victimizing other children. If your child is victimizing other children, realize they need help as a victim. With proper intervention, the reasons for kids molesting kids will likely be resolved.]

PROTECTION AND TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT CHILD MOLESTERS

We cannot expect nor rely on children to protect themselves. The true responsibility for protection lies with the adults in the community.

Anyone can be a child molester, so we must keep our eyes wide open for anything unusual or suspicious.

Read a book to your children about personal safety. This makes it easier to start an ongoing discussion.

Speak regularly about personal safety to your children, keeping open communication about the trustworthiness of the people in your children's lives.

Act swiftly when alerted to suspected child molesters. Calling the police or child protection agency must be a priority.

We must not be afraid. It’s the fear of dealing with this issue that keeps child molesters free.

May our hishtadlus bring siyata d’shmaya for the safety and well being of our precious children. 

This article was based on a true story, by a mother from a Charedi community after her sons were molested. She unfortunately received an unsupportive rabbinical response, very different from the one above. As a result, she sought to become very knowledgeable on this subject. She then wrote the above article to address the concerns of parents, using her acquired knowledge about supportive rabbinical responses. Furthermore, she created the mother-child dialogue in order to give parents an example of a supportive parental response to a victimized child. The ultimate goal of her letter was to alert the Charedi community to the vital importance of reporting pedophiles and supporting victims.

Support: My Child was Molested!

What do I do now?

Finding out that child molestation has happened to your child is a very traumatic experience for parents. A lot of feelings come up for parents such as shock at their child’s vulnerability, and devastation that someone was able to get to their child in this way. While listening to our child, it can be almost unbearable to hear the facts of what happened. We are horrified to learn that our child’s innocence was abused. We want to run away, instead of listen, as our child reveals experiences of molestation which are a parent’s worse nightmare. There is no box in which to put this trauma, and we have no frame of reference in how to deal with this. We didn’t get taught in parenting class how to identify and thereby protect our child from a child molester, and we certainly don’t know what to do now that our child is telling us all this.

Hopefully we can be supportive to our child. If you realize that you have not responded in a helpful manner to your child until now, it is never too late. A supportive response would be to tell your child that you are so glad they told you what happened, and that you are going to figure out what exactly to do. You do need to tell your child that from now on they should stay far away from the perpetrator.

What are parents supposed to do?

In our time of need and fear, we know we must speak to someone. We must choose wisely because this is a sensitive topic. We call either a trusted family member, our rav, our best friend, or all of the above.

These people can be a source of help and support, but sometimes this issue is so shocking to people that they instead respond in a hurtful way. Unfortunately, the response you get may be confusing and upsetting and you may be made to feel that you did something wrong. Parents have revealed that people have made comments to them like, “Nobody is going to believe you. You are just being hysterical” or “If you don’t handle this right you’re going to kill your child” and, of course these comments only devastated them more. While seeking support, if someone begins to interrogate you, insisting that you’re exaggerating or don’t know the facts exactly, then this is not a supportive person. And if someone insists that you are over on loshen hara, they are wrong and you should explain this is toeles, and if they don't agree, then they certainly are not a source of support either. Keep trying to find the support you need, but realize it will require some strength to do this. Just know that there are people who care and can help.

How do I Stop the Perpetrator?

Perpetrators of child molestation are often seen as nice and helpful. Often he (95% are male) is related to us, or he is related to someone we know.  Usually he is a family friend or at least a nice acquaintance and very few people would have guessed, initially, that he was a child molester.

But once your child reveals to you that he was molested, you need to think about what to do to stop the perpetrator. Often the charedi response is to call your neighborhood Rav to report this. The Rav should be supportive and should advise you to call the police. If you get a different response than this, then this rav does not understand the issue and you should just simply go to the police. If you feel you really need a psak halacha that allows you to report to the police, then go to Daas Torah's online blog and you will find psakim from Gadolai HaDor who encourage reporting.

B'hatzlocha on this very trying journey.

The Right Response (a must read)

Check out the website www.ShomrimYeladim.com for a printable copy of The Right Response, which addresses what a rabbi should say to parents on this issue, and how a parent can be supportive to their child.

There you will find answers to typical charedi questions regarding child sexual abuse.

The website includes a printable booklet for parents to read to their children, Hi My Name Is Raffi, using a kid to kid perspective.

Charedi Kids molesting Kids

One day, when my son Shlomi was ten years old, I got a call from the neighborhood Rav.

“Stay calm. It seems your son has a bit of a tievah. Whatever you do, stay calm or you’ll make everything worse.”

Here is the shocking story.

My ten year old son, together with several boys, built a very large fort, enclosed and far from adult eyes. One teenage boy, Aron, joined the boys and proclaimed himself the leader. He invited two other teens into the fort and those three big boys proceeded to molest the small group of younger boys. Then the younger boys, including my son, were instructed to molest any little boys that would come into their secluded fort. Then a few of those quite young boys were given jobs to go find more victims. Finally, one brave little boy told what was happening to his menahel (principal), who happened to also be my son’s menahel.

This shocking story happened in a so-called upstanding charedi community with frum- from-birth boys, who were seemingly good boys, too young to be off the derech, and not outwardly problematic in any way.  

You can imagine that I was devastated by this news. But to add to my trauma, came the insensitive remarks from my Rav. “Your son has some sort of issue with you. This type of thing happens when a mother is too overbearing. You’re killing your kid. You need to get him therapy.”

He gave me the name of a specific therapist for my son. When calling to get an appointment, it was explained that the therapist was an expert on treating child molesters. I was horrified at having been referred to such a therapist for my 10 year old. That’s when I came to my senses. I pulled myself out of despair, reassured myself that as college educated Baales Tshuva, I understood this issue. It was very clear to me that a ten year old boy is not the same as an adult child molester. He’s a victim, a child who is acting out.

To put closure to my son Shlomi’s story,  after much research, I found a therapist who was an expert in trauma and who had experience with child sexual abuse. He worked with my son doing an intensive trauma therapy called EMDR. Slowly the dark cloud lifted from my son’s countenance as he experienced healing. Today my son is a healthy, normal young man, however he has left the charedi world for a more modern orthodox lifestyle.

The older boy in the fort, the teen leader, was not in the same school as my son, and he didn’t have the same Rav, and the family was not told about the child molestation going on in the fort. When I called the mother weeks later to share resources (to tell her about the great trauma psychologist that I had found), she said that her son had told her that the fort had been taken down, but she hadn’t known there was any kind of problem. She thanked me for calling to let her know, and then it seems she didn’t get her child any kind of real help, because I’ve seen him standing on the street corner smoking a cigarette on Shabbos.

As devastating as this experience had been for us, was the added mistreatment by our trusted Rav. It was a big disappointment realizing that he really had no understanding of this issue. He was reacting to child molestation issues like one would react if they found out about a homosexual. And then to refer us to treatment for a pedophile. That advice was shocking.

Since then, I've come to accept that our Rav is a human being with limitations. Just as we all make mistakes and have what to learn.

It comes down to this. We as the parents are responsible to take action to get our children the best help that we can, and we know our children best and we will be accountable for taking care of them. If we ask a shailah, and don't get the answer that we think is good for our child, we have to grow up and take responsibility, and we are chiuv, to find the right answers. Most importantly, we must be advocates for our children. Don't bow to social pressure, nor to rabbinical admonitions. Your child comes first.

Chessed in Reporting Child Sexual Abuse in the Jewish Community

Chessed in Reporting.

“I see you’ve begun to read,” said Grandpa. He bought me a gift, Wizard of Oz.

My father said, "You like reading?" He handed me a stack of pornographic magazines.

My mother said, “You’ve begun to read.” She gave me her copy of How to Please a Man that my father bought her. “You read it,” she said, “Let me know if you learn anything worthwhile.”

I read everything.

I should have been sufficiently prepared, or should I say groomed, to accept the next step. Nonetheless, as my father’s hands groped at what was left of my innocence, I felt such a shock. It felt as though my neshama jumped right out of my body.

He molested me many afternoons over a period of a couple of months. He was very moody and began to sink into a serious depression. He soon became so emotionally impaired that he took himself to a psychiatrist to get medication.

It was there that, eventually, in a desperate attempt to stop himself from drowning in despair, he told that he had maybe been a little inappropriate with his daughter.

He was informed of the Law of Reporting by his psychiatrist. He was told to expect a police officer and a social worker to come to the house.

In the meantime, he continued to molest me. Even knowing that soon he was going to face public humiliation. He just wouldn’t stop.

The day came, finally, when the authorities showed up at our home. The day when we should have felt that everything was crashing down on us.

Instead, we felt relieved. 

Living in that dysfunctional family with that tormented man had been torture for all of us.

And nothing would have stopped him. Only those handcuffs. Only sitting in jail, at the lowest point of his life. 

My father accepted full responsibility for molesting me. He was glad it was stopped.

Now to the present.

A family went to their Rav to discuss the odd behavior of a certain gentleman in the kehilla. He had been acting inappropriately with the children. The Rav decided to watch on the man. The Rav received more reports. He talked to the man. He threatened him.

It didn't stop the pedophile. The man continued to attack the innocence of so many children. The pedophile finally messed with the wrong family. That boy told his mother, and she believed him. Knowing the Rav wouldn’t help, she went to the police.

The Rav found out and stood up in front of the kehilla and said, “One may not go to the police without discussing it with a Rav. Reporting to the secular authorities can destroy lives.”

Yet how many lives were destroyed before the pedophile was arrested?

And how many lives were saved as a result of reporting to the secular authorities? Numerous lives, numerous souls were saved by reporting it to the authorities and finally putting a stop to the abuse.

It is a chessed. If you suspect someone is a child molester, report it.

written by child molesters

Who is a child molester?

I may be well known and liked by you and your child.

I can be married or single.

I can be any age.

I can be religious, or not.

I can be a family friend, a teacher, a babysitter, a family member, or anyone who comes in contact with children.

I am likely to be a stable, employed, respected member of the community.

My education and my intelligence don't prevent me from molesting your child.

I can be anybody.

How Child Molesters Gain Access to Your Child

It is very easy.

I pay attention to your child and make them feel special.

I appear to be someone you and your family can trust and rely on.

I get to know your child's likes and dislikes very well.

I go out of my way to buy gifts or treats your child will like.

I isolate your child by involving him or her in fun activities so we can be together.

If you are a busy parent, you are glad that I am giving your child attention.

I may spend my free time helping children or taking them on special outings by myself.

I take advantage of your child's natural curiosity, by telling dirty jokes, showing them pornography and playing immodest games.

I know a lot about what kids like; i.e. music, clothing, games, language, etc.

If I am a parent, it is easy for me to isolate, control, and molest my own children. I can block the communication between my children and their mother, and make it look like I'm the "good guy".

I may touch your child in your presence so that the child thinks you allow me to touch them.

Why Don't Child Molesters Always Get Caught?

Once I start, I will do everything possible to continue molesting your child.

I am very selfish and do not care if my behavior hurts children. And I will not stop on my own.

Once I've begun molesting your child, I maintain their cooperation and silence through guilt, shame, fear and sometimes “love”.

I convince your child that they are responsible for my behavior.

I make your child think no one will believe them if they tell on me.

I tell your child that you will be disappointed in them for what they have done "with" me.

I warn your child that they will be the one who will be punished if they talk.

I may threaten your child with physical violence against them, you, a pet or another loved one.

I can get a child to feel sorry for me or believe that they are the only one who understands me.

If I am a family member or live in a home with children, my behavior may look accidental.  I "accidentally" expose myself or "accidentally" walk in on children while they are using the bathroom or changing clothes.

If I am a family member, my behavior might look "normal" to other people. I may use situations like tucking kids in at night to touch them.

I may be a family member who acts as if this is a normal thing for us to do together, so the child doesn't realize or know to tell.

I may be so good at manipulating children that they may try to protect me because they love me.

Prevention

Don't feel that your child is safe from me! At least one out of every four children will be molested by the age of eighteen. Here are some ways to protect children from me.

Don't expect your child to be able to protect themselves from me or assume that they will be able to tell you that I am abusing them.

Communicate:  listen, believe and trust what your child tells you. Children rarely lie about abuse.

Educate: teach your child healthy values about their bodies. If you don't teach your child, I will.

Watch for any symptoms of molestation that your child might demonstrate.

Read to your child books that teach children about safety against child molestation.

Give your child specific information about where on their body they should not be touched or touch others.

Let them know that people who touch children's private parts are wrong.

Talk to your child about the ways someone might try to "trick" them into going along with "secret touching." Give examples of how child molesters convince kids to not tell.

Make sure your child knows that you want them to tell you immediately if something ever happens and that, despite what anyone else may tell them, they will not be in trouble.

Get to know your child's friends and the homes in which your child plays.

Be wary of older children or adults who want to spend a lot of time alone with your child.

Trust your intuition: if you feel something is not right in your child's relationships, act on it.

Have "safety talks" with your children several times a year.

Give information to kids about the risks of encountering child molesters and explicit materials on MP4s, Ipods, and the internet.

This information was taken from a brochure developed and written by child molesters in treatment at The Center for Behavioral Intervention, established by Steven H. Jensen.

blog for jews against molestation

This is meant to be a blog for parents, survivors, anyone hurt by child molestation in the Jewish Community, whether orthodox, charedi, ultra-orthodox, chassidic, and all the variations of those spellings, haredi, hasidic and just otherwise frum people affected by child sexual abuse in the religious Jewish world.