By the age of 11 years old, I was used to the lack of physical affection from both of my parents. It didn't occur to me to question why I was rarely ever hugged or cuddled. There was physical affection in my home, but it was very one sided. My parents often asked me to scratch their backs or rub their shoulders or massage their feet. But a child needs physical affection, too. So when my father, who almost never touched me, except to spank me occassionally, invited me to sit next to him to receive a back rub, I was quite happy to do so. I certainly didn't protest when he lifted my shirt to move it out of the way.
When his hands moved around to my front, however, I got such a shock. It felt like my soul flew right out of my body. But then I was slowly lulled back into my body by the pleasurable feelings that are a body's natural response to sexual stimulation. I liked the touch. I didn't stop him. I didn't even consider it.
Then he pushed me away, made an ugly face at me, and said with disgust, "You liked that." I was very confused. I could not comprehend what had just happened, and had no clue as to why he was shaming me. All I did know was that I liked the physical touch. So when my father proceeded to molest me at other times and in other ways, I made it easy for him. Only when he was finished and turned mean did I feel the incredible shame for liking it.
For me, sexual pleasure, love, and shame, became entangled, and that strangled my healthy sexual and psychological development.
As a result of specifically the pleasure factor:
I could not tell anyone, because to do so would force me to admit my shameful feelings of pleasure,
I was so angry and ashamed of myself for liking it and wanting it, that I often felt I wanted to die,
I felt sexual feelings in every relationship, and had intrusive sexual thoughts about the people I interacted with,
I sexualized relationships, thinking that the goal of a relationship was to have sex, and that to express love was by sex,
I had to make a conscious decision not to become a perpetrator, by realizing that kids really don't want sex, understanding that my personal problems stemmed from this internalized web of sex, love, and shame, and by acknowledging that I would never wish that confusion and pain on another human being.
How does one come to terms with the pleasure factor?
Acceptance. Instead of fighting it and trying to run from the shame, trying to minimize it or reconcile it, I had to face it. I allowed myself to feel the shame of it. It hurt, and I cried.
I also had to do a little EMDR on myself to address the intrusive sexual feelings.
And I had to accept myself, my humanness, my seeming imperfection.
I know supporters of survivors want us to know that it wasn't our fault, that we were just children, that our bodies did what bodies do, that we didn't really want sex, that we only wanted love. All these arguments are true.
But first we need to be allowed to own those feelings.
So, my survivor friends, I know about that pleasure factor. You are not alone.
Can you imagine that I would have reacted in a very similar manner had I been in your situation? It was normal to feel that pleasure and it is even normal to feel that shame. But what wasn't normal was for that child to be taken advantage of sexually. That shame belongs to the perpetrator. Shame on him!
I do hope you will work this issue just like you've worked the other aspects of the sexual abuse, using your self-help tools and/or your therapist. You will get through it. And then I hope you'll internalize all that good stuff that our advocates are trying to tell us. I also hope that you seek and find non-sexual love and affection and attention, and non-perverted non-abusive sexuality.
