It is very common for people to say to victims of abuse, "it wasn't your fault".
I just want to point out that to say "it wasn't your fault" implies that perhaps some aspect of the abuse was indeed my fault.
Instead, it would be better to say, Thank you for telling me. This is really upsetting. I just want you to understand that I'm not at all upset at you. I just feel badly that this happened to you, because I love you so much. And you are safe now. It's all over.
Later, during therapy, it is a good idea to point out the dynamics of abuse, to explain how a perpetrator sets up his victims, and to check in to make sure the client doesn't feel like it was their fault in any way. I don't think that victims intuitively feel that it was their fault. I think they feel guilty for being there, for not saying no, for going back for more. I think the nature of sexual abuse causes a lot of shame due to the sexual pleasure in an otherwise horrible act of betrayal.
But my fault? Why would I think that? For being a kid, for wanting attention, for being friendly? Instead, they often don't even know what exactly happened. Just that it was yucky and nice, fun and shameful, pleasurable and disgusting, and lots of other conflicting emotions.
That would be like saying to a child victim in a car crash, "it wasn't your fault." Gee, I wasn't driving, so I never thought it was my fault. But now that you mention it . . . (I was laughing and having a good time, I was singing and looking out the window, maybe something I did caused this.) A child doesn't automatically think it was his fault.
Just my thoughts for the day. You are welcome to correct me if you disagree.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
The Kiddish HaShem in Bet Shemesh
This happening in Bet Shemesh has turned out to be a kiddush Hashem for the Jewish people. While the Charedi Fanatics are spitting on girls (because they want a building), or sending women to the back of the bus, the rest of the Jewish world is really ticked off.
We all know that this is not about halacha, that it is based in thuggery and bullying and disrespect to women.
You are probably wondering how I can say this is a kiddush Hashem when the charedim are looking the other way, standing idly by, claiming that these charedi fanatics don't represent them?
Because the rest of the Jews in Israel are using this as an opportunity to address women's rights and stand up against charedi bullyism, and have come out clearly that we won't tolerate violence directed at children.
The Dati Leumi, Modern Orthodox, Chardal, Mesorati and Chilonim, all agree that one may not abuse another human being in the name of Torah, one may not send women to the back of the bus, not ever and certainly not in the name of Torah. And we will not stand idly by.
The Jewish people are defending our children and women. The Charedi Fanatics want to bring up the Holocaust, well, fine. But you are not the ones being persecuted. We can take this opportunity to assure you that we won't allow for the persecution of our people ever again. And that is why we won't allow you to throw rocks at any of us, spit on any Jewish child (or even priests who are our guests here in the Holy Land), or send Jewish women to the back of the bus.
A co-worker said to me that if the Charedim want segregated buses, so let them, but not on public transportation. And my response is abusolutely no way. What you are proposing is allowing the bullies be in charge and exert their fanatacism onto the weaker and more moderate and refined elements of their community. Would you agree to allow the mafia to control the inner city bus service, forcing their women and children to the back of the bus? There are areas of segregation that are agreed upon by all right wing religious. But on buses, segregation is a very new and absolutely rediculous distortion of Torah. If it was halacha, then you would not see those fanatics on any other buses. Look around, when they need transportation, and it is convenient for them, they take it, mixed, crowded, it doesn't matter.
As for Tznius, claiming that those girls at the Orot elementary school in Beit Shemesh were not tznius, is outright lying because they were absolutely within halacha and the only thing separating them from looking like a Bais Yaakov girl (out of uniform) was the jean skirt verses the BY blue polyester skirt. The retort by moderate charedim to this is that the mothers of the Orot girls are the problem, with their hair not completely covered and the slits in their skirts. And to this I wonder, how can anyone justify violent behaviors toward another Jew? These are grown men harassing women and girls.
And that is why it is lovely to see the kiddish Hashem, with the whole country of Israel, and even the world, outraged at this horrific behavior.
You see, the moderate Charedim think this has become a chilul Hashem, a disgrace to Hashem's Name, because they think they are the representatives of G-d, and now due to the media exposure, they are being disgraced, and if they are being looked down upon, then so is G-d. But I ask, who do they think they are? They are not the only ones who are the Chosen People, and despite their philosophy that claims that Charedim are more beloved, we know that G-d loves all His People Yisroel.
Look HaShem, how the majority of the Jewish world has joined together, especially us Jews in Israel, against the mistreatment of Jewish children and women, and together we are standing up for what is good and right and just in G-d's eyes. This is truly the kiddish HaShem.
We all know that this is not about halacha, that it is based in thuggery and bullying and disrespect to women.
You are probably wondering how I can say this is a kiddush Hashem when the charedim are looking the other way, standing idly by, claiming that these charedi fanatics don't represent them?
Because the rest of the Jews in Israel are using this as an opportunity to address women's rights and stand up against charedi bullyism, and have come out clearly that we won't tolerate violence directed at children.
The Dati Leumi, Modern Orthodox, Chardal, Mesorati and Chilonim, all agree that one may not abuse another human being in the name of Torah, one may not send women to the back of the bus, not ever and certainly not in the name of Torah. And we will not stand idly by.
The Jewish people are defending our children and women. The Charedi Fanatics want to bring up the Holocaust, well, fine. But you are not the ones being persecuted. We can take this opportunity to assure you that we won't allow for the persecution of our people ever again. And that is why we won't allow you to throw rocks at any of us, spit on any Jewish child (or even priests who are our guests here in the Holy Land), or send Jewish women to the back of the bus.
A co-worker said to me that if the Charedim want segregated buses, so let them, but not on public transportation. And my response is abusolutely no way. What you are proposing is allowing the bullies be in charge and exert their fanatacism onto the weaker and more moderate and refined elements of their community. Would you agree to allow the mafia to control the inner city bus service, forcing their women and children to the back of the bus? There are areas of segregation that are agreed upon by all right wing religious. But on buses, segregation is a very new and absolutely rediculous distortion of Torah. If it was halacha, then you would not see those fanatics on any other buses. Look around, when they need transportation, and it is convenient for them, they take it, mixed, crowded, it doesn't matter.
As for Tznius, claiming that those girls at the Orot elementary school in Beit Shemesh were not tznius, is outright lying because they were absolutely within halacha and the only thing separating them from looking like a Bais Yaakov girl (out of uniform) was the jean skirt verses the BY blue polyester skirt. The retort by moderate charedim to this is that the mothers of the Orot girls are the problem, with their hair not completely covered and the slits in their skirts. And to this I wonder, how can anyone justify violent behaviors toward another Jew? These are grown men harassing women and girls.
And that is why it is lovely to see the kiddish Hashem, with the whole country of Israel, and even the world, outraged at this horrific behavior.
You see, the moderate Charedim think this has become a chilul Hashem, a disgrace to Hashem's Name, because they think they are the representatives of G-d, and now due to the media exposure, they are being disgraced, and if they are being looked down upon, then so is G-d. But I ask, who do they think they are? They are not the only ones who are the Chosen People, and despite their philosophy that claims that Charedim are more beloved, we know that G-d loves all His People Yisroel.
Look HaShem, how the majority of the Jewish world has joined together, especially us Jews in Israel, against the mistreatment of Jewish children and women, and together we are standing up for what is good and right and just in G-d's eyes. This is truly the kiddish HaShem.
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