Survivors, Add Your Voice!

If you are a Jewish Survivor of Child Molestation and want to tell your story, this board is for you. You can express yourself here in whatever way feels comfortable, through creative writing, poetry, or with a historical, factual accounting. Due to the sensitivity of the readers, we only ask that there be no explicit triggering descriptions. We can help you with any editing. Please send your important work to our editor at shomrimyeladim@gmail.com for approval and uploading.

Letters from Off the Derech

"You don't really believe that stuff, do you?" asked Harvey, pointing at the Chumash that my husband had just quoted during a dvar Torah at the Shabbos table. Harvey was my new step father, a 64 year old man, who claimed he was raised an Orthodox Jew and had gone to yeshiva, and proud of the fact that he walked away from that lifestyle and never looked back.

Time kind of froze. I looked at Harvey. I looked at my young children sitting there at the table and I was thankful that they were not sure what the grown ups were talking about. I really was quite shocked, both by what Harvey had said, and by the complete distress he seemed to be in. He was literally shaking with rage.

"This is what the kids believe, Harvey, let's not ruin the evening," said my Mom, trying to cool things quickly between her husband and mine. It was almost too late, as my husband had risen from his seat, ready to throw Harvey out of the house.

"Don't worry. This is just typical yeshivish banter. I remember great arguments in yeshiva that would even come to fist fights. Isn't that right, Josh?" asked Harvey, looking smug.

This outburst happened after my husband had just read the parsha describing "The Blessings and The Curses," the blessings being what H will do for those who keep the Torah, and the curses describing what could happen to those who do not. At the moment that Harvey spoke those blasphemous words, I had this fleeting thought that he would not outlive my mother, as he had so threatened to do, in his hopes of selling all her jewelry before I got any because he said that all a frum jew wanted was to live off community charity, social welfare, and leech off their parents.

Six months later, when we heard that Harvey was dying of lung cancer, as a result of a lifelong habit of smoking, which he claimed he picked up in yeshiva, I didn't feel sad, more like vindicated that he was being punished for his apikorsis.

One day, as his end drew near, my mom called me with a request.

"Listen, Rachel, I know you haven't had a good relationship with Harvey, but remember how he said Shema for Grandma on her death bed, and even said Kaddish for her afterward? Well, he is nearing the end, and he can't speak with all those tubes in him, and I think he would really like for you to say Shema for him. I could just hold the phone up to his ear so he can listen to you. I will call you when it gets to that point."

His last hours came sooner than expected and I got the call from my mother at Harvey's bed side. I imagined him there, listening to my words, and this incredible rage welled up inside me toward him. I shakily said the first part of the Shema. But when I got to the part about "beware...lest you turn astray...then the wrath of H will blaze against you..." my anger poured out through each word which I emphasized to make them sound threatening and foreboding. This apikoris was dying and I had no rachmonis for him. I was glad to see him leave this world where he worked adamantly to destroy my relationship with my naive non-religious mother, mocking my chosen baalai tshuva lifestyle with such cruelty.

Several weeks after Harvey passed away, my mother came to visit.

"Rachel, I brought something for you, from Harvey."

"What do you mean? I can't imagine that he left me something?

"Actually, he wrote you a letter. I read it first, to make sure it was okay. It's about his life. About why he left yeshiva, and why he stopped being religious."

"I don't think I want to read anything he wrote," I said.

"It's addressed to you. Just take it. You may one day decide to read it. I must warn you though. It might be a bit of a trigger, after all that you went through with your father."

My mother was referring to my tormented life having been molested by my father, her husband, when I was a pre-teen. I had spent many years healing from that devastation, and along my journey had become a baalas tshuva, gotten married, had a handful of children, and was living a stable, contented life, active in my community and busy with my family.

I didn't think that a letter from Harvey the Apikoris was going to mean anything to me.

Dear Rachel,

I was recently given the death sentence of lung cancer, and I know I am going to die soon. The cancer may have spread to my brain already because I keep blacking out. So I must write this down before it is too late, because I want you to know my story.

I was raised just the way you are raising your family. I went to cheder and then yeshiva. I had Shabbat and the holidays and Yom Kippur. I said Shema every day. I wore a beenie on my head and went to synagogue.
 
When I was 15 years old, I was called into a rebbe's office. He was a big man, with a long black coat, and deep acne scars on his face. I wasn't sure what I had done, but was certain this was not a good thing. When I came into the room, he was sitting at his big desk, and he told me to come in and lock the door. He proceeded to do things to me of a sexual nature that I cannot write down. Of course, he told me never to tell, and I was so ashamed, that I would never have told anyway. Who could I have told? I was already orphaned by my father. My mother would not listen to such a thing about a rebbe, such a religious looking man. So I kept this dark secret to myself until this day.

As soon as I could find a chance to leave yeshiva, I did, and I never looked back.

Seeing your family was very upsetting to me and reminded me of what happened. You think the life you are leading is an utopia, and I think it is a lie. A person can still be a good Jew and not have to isolate from the world. I can see how you give your complete respect and total trust over to these fanatics that are really just trying to brainwash you. You think they are so holy with their long black coats, but I know the truth. They are no better than you or I. In fact some are much worse.

I am not against G-d, only against religious people that not only harbor such vile perverts, but actually give them honor, and allow such a person to be in charge of children.

And another thing, while your children are young, you may control their lives completely and force that beenie on their heads. But I just want you to know that my yeshiva buddies and I would run to McDonald's every chance we could to get a cheeseburger. So don't fool yourself about this life. Your kids are too young now to complain, but one day they will likely rebel against all these restrictions, just as I did. Especially if they (G-d forbid) witness the hypocrisy in the way I was forced to by that rebbe. I just hope that you will come to your senses before anything like that ever happens to your kids.

Signed, Harvey


My first thoughts were, this man was like a holocaust survivor, only of a holocaust that people don't talk about. They say regarding holocaust survivors, any survivor coming out of the holocaust with their emunah in tact is a miracle. The same can be said for a survivor of child sexual abuse.

Harvey had a lot of anger that he didn't work through, obviously. Maybe if he had worked on this issue he would have been less of an apikorsis, and instead, aimed his anger at the those who truly deserve it, the pedophile, and those who he seemed to think would cover it up.

His letter gave me pause to ask myself these questions:  Am I guilty of blindly trusting the rabbaim? Am I ignorantly believing that the rebbes and charedim are safe and normal and trustworthy?

Many years later I would look back and honestly, painfully, answer these questions.


Dear Harvey,

I recall that after your death I got very very sick with a virus that made me feel like I was dying, and in my pain I was able to do tshuva about how cruelly I had felt and acted toward you on your death bed. When I was feeling better, I begged my husband to say kaddish for you and I lit a yartzeit candle and continue to do that on your yearly yartzeit.

But I still maintained a sense of bitterness toward you which has now been completely eradicated from my heart. Harvey, I am sorry. The way you expressed your pain came out so difficult to hear, but I have to admit that I sensed something important behind that pain at my Shobbos table, but chose to ignore it and rise up in righteous indignation instead. I wish I could do that chapter of my life over again and give you another chance.

You were right in warning me. My perfect utopian charedi life has failed me. My boys, my sweet innocent beautiful boys, have both been victims of child molestation in my charedi community. They are teenagers now. My oldest boy took off his tsitsis, grew his hair out, and has a girlfriend (which I am thankful for in a bittersweet sort of way, that she is a she and not a he). My youngest boy, always a very spiritual person, has kept his faith, but is not charedi.

You were right, that I did trust blindly. I did naively believe that all charedim were safe, trustworthy, good people. I chose this lifestyle because I believed that tznius was the answer to perversity. And it was, for my daughters. They were raised in a safe and secure manner, in a segregated all girls school with only women teachers. Knowing what I know now, the fact that they were never molested is a miracle (and possibly a result of my extreme overprotectiveness) because there are charedi women and girls who molest, and charedi males that attack charedi girls.

I just never imagined that my sons could be in danger. I am painfully, devastatingly, horrified that there is such perversity in our seemingly holy society. But more than that, the response to this issue by my community was not what I expected, and broke my heart. In both my boys' cases, and in other cases in the community that I later found out about, there had been cover ups and minimizations and parents were verbally attacked for their so-called bad parenting and their upset feelings. People, including a Kehilla Rav, had known about the pedophile that got to one of my sons. No one called police, no one warned potential victims, no one chased the pedophile away from children, even though he was often seen with children in his car. Instead, people asked, who gave the psak to talk about this or to name the perp. Parents who knew for a fact that their children were victimized refused to go to the police, and those who asked a psak were told by local rabbonim that they should not report.

My community let me down, betrayed my trust. I lost my faith in both charedim and rabbonim.

And now I too am off the derech.

Rachel

Pedophile's Burning Sefer Torah

Sefer Torah Burning…

This is an excerpt from the blog of mekubal.wordpress.com.

The Rav asked what the pedophile had done(amazing not everyone in Nahalaot knows about this), and when the sofer told him, the Rav shook with rage. . .  It took him a few moments, and then he said, “Burn it (the Sefer Torah from the pedophile).  Blot out every remembrance of him.”  He went on for a quite a while explaining al pi sod and other things, why even if you could sell (it) and use the money to help the children, it would still be damaging to them.  The best thing of all was simply to burn it.

Rocky's comment:
This is the most validating response I’ve seen to this issue. The absolute shock and pain and horror of (even the idea of) burning a sefer Torah resembles the feelings a parent feels when learning that their precious child was burned by the perversity of a child molester.

What is Child Molestation?

What is child molestation? The following are two examples that show how complicated this issue is, and how child sexual abuse isn't just about rape or even requires physical molestation.

Shira was eleven years old when her father would stay home in the afternoons because her mother took a new job that required working long hours. Her father started drinking beer in the early afternoon, and he began to make uncomfortable rules in the house. She was told that she wasn't allowed to lock the bathroom door anymore. Then her father would "accidentally" come in and look at her when she was using the toilet or taking a shower. Also, her father would walk through the house without any clothes on, supposedly on his way to take a shower. He would stare at Shira and make comments about her already needing a bra. He finally crossed the line in a very clear way when he insisted on washing her back in the shower. 

At age 13, Motty's 20 year old brother Shmuel took him to the zoo. Shmuel insisted that they stay at the elephant's exhibit to watch the elephants. It was very upsetting to Motty because the elephants were mating and he didn't understand what they were doing. He thought they were stuck together and hurting each other. So, in a crude and ugly manner, Shmuel taught sex education to a very shocked youngster.Another time, Shmuel took Motty to an art museum, insisting they spend most of their time looking at the nude portraits and sculptures. Shmuel would make comments about Motty's private parts, implying that he was sexually aroused. One day Shmuel took Motty on a hike and convinced the boy to take off all his clothes in order to splash in the stream, and then Motty saw that Shmuel was video taping him..


Many adults think that child molestation must include physical touching of private parts, but the experts define child sexual abuse (or child molestation, which are terms used interchangeably), as any experience of a sexual nature that is imposed upon a child.

The Right Response

Posted by www.shomrimyeladim.com.

The Right Response

Something happened to my child. I want you to know about it. I hope it will help you to protect your children.

For over a year, there was a man from our kehilla who would park his car in my building’s parking lot, where all the children played every afternoon. His grandchildren lived in my building. At first I thought he was coming to visit them, but then I noticed he parked there even when his own grandchildren were not around. He became very friendly with the boys who played in the parking lot. He fixed their bikes and helped build forts. He gave rides to and from school. He took some boys swimming. I would often see neighborhood boys climbing in and out of his car. A few times the grandfather invited my son into his car. 

“Mom, that grandfather is not normal,” my son told me one day.

“You think so. Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Never mind. I think it’s loshen hara,” said my son.

“There is a halacha called loshen hara l’toeles. It means that if something is bothering you, you can tell someone close to you about it. My children can tell their Mommy everything.”

“Ok. The grandfather does not-tznius things,” my son blurted out.

“Oh no,” I said, forcing myself to stay calm. “What kinds of not-tznius things does he do?”

“I can’t tell you Mom. It’s not something you would know about,” he said, “Because you’re a tznua.”

“You can tell me about the not-tznius stuff. I’m a grown up. I will understand,” I reassured.

My son explained how the man had molested him and other boys, while sitting in a car, in broad daylight, in a busy parking lot, with grown ups walking past and mothers sitting in the shade nearby.

“Mom, he was always so nice to all of us kids. But every time I went in his car he would do not-tznius stuff. I didn’t know what to do. He made it seem like a joke. Other kids laughed with him. Only, it wasn’t funny to me. I can’t believe I just sat there.”

“I think it was a bit shocking to you,” I explained. “Most people, even grown-ups, don’t know what to do when something not-tznius happens.”

“It was confusing,” my son continued. “He tried to make everything seem fun, like we were having a good time, eating treats and nosh. He even gave some kids money.”

“Did he tell you not to tell?” I asked.

“Not exactly,” my son replied. “He just said that whoever told loshen hara about him was going to gehenom. And remember how he made us get your permission to come with him in the first place? Well, he would remind us that our mothers allowed us to go with him.”

“You went into his car several times. Can you tell me what made you go back again?” I gently asked.

“I don’t know,” my son replied. “I tried to pretend that it hadn’t really happened. Then I told myself it really wasn’t so bad, that the fun of hanging out with the other neighbor boys was worth it. Some of it was interesting, too, in an icky sort of way. I was also bored, and it was something to do.”

“I understand. Listen, you can probably tell that I am upset,” I admitted. “I want you to know, I am not at all  upset with you. OK? I love you very much and I’m proud of you for telling me.

“You are safe now and everything is going to be ok,” I reassured. “And now that we’re clear about this guy, you must stay far away from him. Don’t go near his car. And tell all the neighbor kids that he is dangerous and they should stay away from him, too.”

2

After the conversation with my son, I called my husband at shul, and briefed him on what happened. He said he was coming home and that we were going to call the police. Before leaving shul he told the Rav what was going on. The Rav called me.

“Your husband told me about the suspected child molester in our community,” said the Rav. “I admit I am a bit shocked. As you know the grandfather has been a member of our kehilla for a long time.

“It is possible that this guy is a pedophile,” continued the Rav. “A pedophile is someone with a taivah for molesting children. They often appear trustworthy and involved in their community. I suppose we should’ve noticed his excess interest in the children. From what you tell me now, he spent way too much time being the neighborhood grandfather. That should’ve tipped us off that something wasn’t right.

“I’m really sorry for all of us, that this happened,” said the Rav. “Now we have a bit of an ordeal to get through. But it’s going to be ok. Everything is going to work out. Let me explain what to do.

“I want you to call Mercaz Hagana today, the Israeli child protection service agency. Or, you could go down to the local police station,” explained the Rav.

“I thought you were going to say we’ll turn him over to the Vaad HaTzniut,” I interrupted.

“We are law abiding citizens. We cannot take justice into our own hands. We are mandated by secular law to report an adult suspected of molesting children.

“Before we take such drastic action, I have to say this. I believe my son. However, other people, this grandfather even, could claim that my son is lying. Should we have strong proof before we report this?”

“Charedi children wouldn’t think to lie about child molestation. And for a boy to admit that something not-tznius happened with another male, is even more difficult. No boy would make up such a thing. All that aside, it isn’t our job to prove anything. We have a suspected case of child molestation. We have to report it. The authorities will make an investigation. They will decide if there is strong enough evidence to make a case.

“Let me explain about Mercaz Hagana,” the Rav continued. “Get an appointment as soon as possible. Your son will tell his story to a social worker while being videotaped. That video can later be used in court, if necessary. You will speak with a police officer and tell him everything you know. I assure you, Mercaz Hagana are the experts. And it’s important to utilize experts, especially at this stage, because we don’t want to further traumatize the children as they tell their stories.

 “Now, talk to your son about this trip to Mercaz Hagana ahead of time,” explained the Rav. “Then make the day as pleasant as possible. Take him out afterward for pizza or whatever he likes.

“Also,” the Rav continued, “I think it will help if I speak with the other families in your building. And you should too. Advise parents to talk gently with their children, and not to panic. We must emphasize to parents the importance of being supportive listeners to their children. And, everyone who knows anything, should be advised to call Mercaz Hagana or go to the local police station. From your observations, the case against this guy probably involves several children, and if they all testify against him, we may see real justice here. “

“But what about his family?” I asked. “They’re going to be devastated.”

“We can’t put his family in front of the safety of the children,” replied the Rav. “We have to be concerned about stopping him. It’s likely the family knows he has a problem, and they have ignored it or pretended nothing is wrong.”

“He’s a sick man. Doesn’t he just need therapy?” I asked. 

“Pedophiles are indeed sick individuals. Their thinking is perverted and distorted. They may actually be addicted to molesting children. Very few are willing to admit they did anything wrong. Adult men who have molested more than once are unlikely to be cured. We can only hope that from therapy, the molester will understand the damage he’s caused, and then make a commitment to stay completely away from children forever. But even if a pedophile were to be remorseful and committed to staying away from children, it is not the community’s responsibility to make sure he does that. We need the expert guidance and professional supervision of the secular authorities.”

“But isn’t it mesirah to go to the police?” I asked.

“Jewish Law places a pedophile in the category of a rodef. According to gadolei hador, and rabbonim who are experts on this issue, not only is it permissible, one must report those who molest children directly to the authorities, and that doing so is of benefit to society.”

3

“I thought that something terrible had to happen,” I said, “in order for it to be considered child molestation.  Is what happened to my son really that bad?”

“When it comes to child molestation, we are talking about the safety and well-being of a child. It is not for us to rate the abuse. Any form of child molestation rocks a child’s belief in the goodness of people. It is a betrayal of trust, an attack on their purity, an exploitation of their innocence. Our job is to do what we can to stop it, for the sake of our precious children and their holy neshamas.” 

“Do you think my son will need therapy?” I asked.

“Mercaz Hagana can advise whether your son needs therapy, depending on how traumatized he feels. Don’t worry. Even if your child needs therapy, he’ll be all right. You’ll want to find a therapist that uses a technique called EMDR. With a decent therapist, EMDR is an effective and short term therapy.”

“I am a little worried that if this gets out, it could ruin my son’s chances for a good shidduch,” I stated.

“The kids who don’t get help are in the worst shape. Finding a shidduch is the least of their problems. They are likely to suffer depression, behavior issues, and learning difficulties. They make up a significant proportion of those kids who go off the derech. And later on, without treatment, they can suffer intimacy problems in marriage.”

“Isn’t it a chillul HaSh-m, to let the secular world know that such a thing can happen in the Charedi community?”

“A pedophile can molest hundreds of children in his lifetime, going from community to community. The chillul HaSh-m is when no one stops him because they are afraid to ruin his life.”

“The children must come first,” continued the Rav. “There is no other way to stop this from becoming an epidemic in our Charedi world. If we take care of our own children and don’t stop the pedophile, we may be guilty of standing idly by while innocent blood is shed. May we all be brave and make the right decisions, and merit much nachas from our children.”

********************************************************************************************

“Can I talk to you?” I asked my son.

“But Mom, I’m in the middle of playing.”

“I need to talk to you about something really important. When you are ready, let me know,” I said. I realized the need to talk with my son not only when I had time, but when he was in a mood to listen.

“Ok, Mom. What’s so important?”

“Well, it’s about the grandfather,” I said, pausing, giving him a chance to understand what the conversation was going to be about. “We spoke with the Rav about him. What happened is very serious. The man needs to be stopped.”

“I know just what to do,” said my son. “Next time he drives into our parking lot, we’ll throw something at his car until he leaves.”

“Great idea. Should I buy a big bag of tomatoes?” I said, joining him in his imagination.

“Or better yet, eggs!” he exclaimed.

“Well, eggs are expensive. But I hear you,” I smiled. “Listen, in a minute I’ll give you some paper. It would be good for you to draw pictures about all this. But first, I want to ask you something. Would you be willing to go with me to a special police station, called Mercaz Hagana, and tell them everything that happened?”

“I don’t know. I guess. But, it’s embarrassing,” said my son.

“I understand. It can be embarrassing to talk about not-tznius stuff,” I validated. “The people there are experts though. You can tell them everything and they won’t be shocked. Their job is to talk to kids who’ve had not-tznius things happen to them. They want to stop bad guys like this.”

“But, are you sure it isn’t loshen hara?” asked my son, hoping for a loophole to get out of this.

“This is definitely loshen hara l’toeles. You’ll be doing a big mitzvah. You’ll be a hero for helping stop this man.”

4

“Mom. There is something else I need to tell you. My friend, the boy downstairs, tried to get me to do not-tznius stuff with him, also.”

“I see. Oy vey,” I said. “I saw him with the grandfather a lot. I’m sorry to say, when children are molested by a grown up, sometimes they get confused and do the same things to other kids. It is so sad. I will speak with his mom. This is a major reason why we’ve got to do everything we can to try to stop the grandfather.”

[Children who do not-tznius things to other children were likely also victimized. They are usually confused and stimulated by the sensual nature of the not-tznius actions, and are therefore compelled to act out what they experienced. A lot of times they are trying to take back their powerlessness of victimization, by overpowering and victimizing other children. If your child is victimizing other children, realize they need help as a victim. With proper intervention, the reasons for kids molesting kids will likely be resolved.]

PROTECTION AND TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT CHILD MOLESTERS

We cannot expect nor rely on children to protect themselves. The true responsibility for protection lies with the adults in the community.

Anyone can be a child molester, so we must keep our eyes wide open for anything unusual or suspicious.

Read a book to your children about personal safety. This makes it easier to start an ongoing discussion.

Speak regularly about personal safety to your children, keeping open communication about the trustworthiness of the people in your children's lives.

Act swiftly when alerted to suspected child molesters. Calling the police or child protection agency must be a priority.

We must not be afraid. It’s the fear of dealing with this issue that keeps child molesters free.

May our hishtadlus bring siyata d’shmaya for the safety and well being of our precious children. 

This article was based on a true story, by a mother from a Charedi community after her sons were molested. She unfortunately received an unsupportive rabbinical response, very different from the one above. As a result, she sought to become very knowledgeable on this subject. She then wrote the above article to address the concerns of parents, using her acquired knowledge about supportive rabbinical responses. Furthermore, she created the mother-child dialogue in order to give parents an example of a supportive parental response to a victimized child. The ultimate goal of her letter was to alert the Charedi community to the vital importance of reporting pedophiles and supporting victims.