Monday, October 31, 2011
Full Color
When I was fourteen, I attempted suicide by taking an overdose of antidepressants. This act landed me in a psychiatric hospital where the only department for teenagers was limited to drug and alcohol addicts. For my three month stay they didn't know what to do with a teenaged incest survivor. A few days before my release, a therapist escorted me into the psychodrama therapy room, handed me a bat, pointed me toward a blow up doll, told me to think of the doll as my father, and encouraged me to "hit him". I understood then, that I was supposed to get angry at my father. That's about all the clarity I got out of that.
Unfortunately, that few minutes of psychodrama caused untold damage to the rest of my teenage years, as I had unlocked the door to my anger, but didn't have any further tools to know how to deal with such terribly consuming rage. I ended up acting out in very destructive ways, being hurtful to the people who loved me by raging and being out of control. I often justified my bad behaviors with the fact that I was an incest survivor.
Eventually I hit rock bottom and decided that I might very well have to figure out how to live a meaningful life, and that the first thing I needed to do was to start healing. However, I didn't want to go to a therapist. I needed to be completely in control of my healing. So I read many self help books, and discovered the Twelve Steps. I attended every twelve-step group that I could find that was applicable, going to groups as much as twice a day.
One evening, after a twelve-step meeting, I met up with a friend who encouraged me to try doing some anger work. At the time, I was so consumed with grief and anger that my life was dark and depressing. You could say I was deep in the tunnel, stumbling forward blindly, with no light in sight. By now I was a young adult, had read and learned a lot about recovering from abuse, and was in complete control of my healing. The anger work I was going to attempt to do, was very similar to what I was exposed to as a teen in the hospital. However, this time I understood the process. I was in control. And I had made the choice to do the work.
I met my friend outside of a meeting place, in a large, deserted, low lit parking lot, and I picked up the first thing I found, an abandoned sport shoe. I threw it to the ground, picked it up, threw it down, and allowed and encouraged myself to put voice to the pain and anger. I yelled and screamed and cursed my father. I did this repeatedly and to the point of complete exhaustion, with my final words being, "How could you?"
That night, I slept like a baby and the next day, as I walked the very familiar path from my apartment to my car, I looked at the world in wonder. The flowers were purple. The sky was blue. Was the grass always so green? My world went from shades of gray to full color. It was awesome.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Resilience and Relaxation
The website, Israel Center for the Treatment of PsychoTrauma, is a must see, and while their expertise may or may not include child sexual abuse, they certainly know trauma and have a great outlook on recovery, discussing strengthening the resilience factor in people exposed to trauma and thereby lessening the long term effects. Click on Trauma Information in the side bar for some good info.
From there, I linked to this wonderful site that gives tons of ideas for helping your child and the whole family, to relax. Don't miss her various categories on the side bar, especially Laughter Meditation!
http://kidsrelaxation.com/
Here is my favorite page at the I.C.T.P. website:
On this page you will find some tips that may help you increase your natural resilience in the face of difficult events. We hope you will find the following tips helpful.
From there, I linked to this wonderful site that gives tons of ideas for helping your child and the whole family, to relax. Don't miss her various categories on the side bar, especially Laughter Meditation!
http://kidsrelaxation.com/
Here is my favorite page at the I.C.T.P. website:
Improving Resilience
There are a several factors that help us cope more effectively with stressful and traumatic situations. These factors improve our natural resilience and help us turn what might be a distressing and depressing situation into one of personal growth and development.On this page you will find some tips that may help you increase your natural resilience in the face of difficult events. We hope you will find the following tips helpful.
- Devote time to relationships
People who have close and meaningful ties with family and friends tend to cope better during times of distress. Spending time with family and friends both creates a sense of belonging and mutuality, and creates a support network for hard times. - Acquire knowledge about the situation
Accurate and current knowledge about the situation you are in will help you make more informed decisions. This knowledge can also help neutralizes exaggerated fears, which often stem from the unknown. - Talk about your feelings with people close to youEvery one of us sometimes feels the need to relieve some of the stress that accumulates during rough times. Opportunities to talk about the feelings we experience allow us to “let off steam” and return to normal functioning. In addition, we may be surprised to discover that other people feel similar to us. This discovery allows us to share the burden of thoughts and doubts with another person who is close to us.
- Maintain physical health
There is a proven link between nutrition, physical condition and stress. Stressful situations present taxing demands on our bodies, and gradually deplete our physical resources. This typically results in fatigue and physical aches and pains. Taking responsibility for our body -- healthy nutrition, physical exercise and enough sleep -- gives the body an opportunity to renew its resources and repair the damage done by stress. - Relaxation exercisesPractice of daily relaxation exercises can help you cope with the pressures and stress of everyday life. The more regularly you exercise, the more your body will learn to relax easily and maintain a natural balance. This will directly affect your mood and peace of mind. Try exercising once or twice a day, each time for several minutes.
- Maintain a daily routine
Keeping a daily routine is a way to show yourselves and the world that there is nothing that can break or scare you. It is a brave statement declaring that you continue to live and hope as usual, regardless of the obstacles along the way. - Use your sense of humor
Laughter allows us to see the brighter side of reality, and helps us emerge from situations of anxiety or stress. A sense of humor also improves our physical health and allows us to find creative solutions to difficulties. - Help others in need
Find ways to volunteer and do something for others. Much psychological research shows that people who give of themselves feel more in control, more capable, and cope better with stressful situations. The very knowledge that we make a difference to somebody else is an incentive not to give up or give in to despair. - Devote time to a hobby
Make some time each day for something you enjoy doing: sports, art, hiking or anything else you choose, in order to relax and remember that even in the difficult daily routine there are bright points that make living worthwhile. - Hope and Optimism
Work on trying to see the bright side of things and the light at the end of the tunnel. In every dark situation, there are moments of shining humanity; try to find those moments and treasure them.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Stop It Now
A (non-Jewish) website aimed at prevention of child sexual abuse and molestation, called Stop It Now, is a must see for advocates, survivors, and parents.
On this page, they address the subject of child and adolescents molesting other children.
http://www.stopitnow.org/signs_child_adolescent_risk_harm_child
Further down that page you can click on an article about age appropriate sexual behaviors.
On this page: http://www.stopitnow.org/signs_adult_risk_harm_child look for the Let's Talk Guidebook (pdf) for how to talk to a family member about their possible dangerous attraction or behavior.
Also, check out their ParentTalk archives for some touching articles written by parents of both victims and adolescent perpetrators.
On this page, they address the subject of child and adolescents molesting other children.
http://www.stopitnow.org/signs_child_adolescent_risk_harm_child
Further down that page you can click on an article about age appropriate sexual behaviors.
On this page: http://www.stopitnow.org/signs_adult_risk_harm_child look for the Let's Talk Guidebook (pdf) for how to talk to a family member about their possible dangerous attraction or behavior.
Also, check out their ParentTalk archives for some touching articles written by parents of both victims and adolescent perpetrators.
Online Support for Jewish Survivors of Child Molestation
Are you a survivor looking for support online? Here is what I have found:
Imamother is a general forum for Jewish mothers, but has private forums for mothers of children who were molested. Also, it has a hidden forum for survivors of child molestation and incest abuse:
http://imamother.com/forum/index.php
And, All Us Sheffelech is specifically for Jewish Survivors of child molestation and incest abuse, with a section for advocates as well, I believe.
http://allussheffelech.proboards.com/index.cgi
Imamother is a general forum for Jewish mothers, but has private forums for mothers of children who were molested. Also, it has a hidden forum for survivors of child molestation and incest abuse:
http://imamother.com/forum/index.php
And, All Us Sheffelech is specifically for Jewish Survivors of child molestation and incest abuse, with a section for advocates as well, I believe.
http://allussheffelech.proboards.com/index.cgi
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Violated Child
This (anonymous) courageous survivor's voice was found on Tzedek-Tzedek blogspot. It has been edited for this web site, but it is still quite graphic and could be triggering or upsetting:
Surviving and Healing
I was seven. My sister was eight.
We went to the Yeshiva for shacharis with Tatty. Zaidy liked it when we came.
After davening Zaidy took us into his office. He put his hands under my clothes.
. . .I looked at him shocked.
“Don't look at me,” he said. “Look at the sefarim.”
I looked at the glass doors, behind them rows of meshnayos and shas, some of the books
too heavy to lift.
I made my mind leave the Rosh Yeshiva's office. . .
If I would have looked into his eyes, would he have seen my terror, my pain?
Would I have seen any shame or guilt in his?
But I was taught to listen and so I looked at the sefarim, not at my grandfather.
After he was done he asked us, “Do I need to get married again?”
Then he told us that he loved one of us more than the other. I knew it was my sister he loved more.
My sister says that she doesn't remember any of this. She is so lucky.
*************
I am an adult now.
I take the younger part of me, my inner child, by the hand and bring her back to the Yeshiva, into the office full of sefarim, back onto the holy territory where she was violated.
She is not scared, because I'm with her. She is enraged.
My grandfather sits on the rocking chair that he kept there. There is a sefer Torah wrapped in a talis on the shelf behind him.
She opens one of the glass doors and takes out a tome of Shas. She staggers under its weight.
She is not scared. She knows I will protect her, and that he can't hurt her anymore.
She uses the book to smash all of the glass in all of the shelves. She rips, snatches, out the sefarim and throws them at my grandfather and onto the floor. She is furious. She opens the holy books and rips out the pages, crumples them up and throws them, stamps on them, and stuffs them into his open shocked mouth.
I let her do this. She needs to do this. . .
. . . Then she takes a broken piece of glass and uses it like a knife to cut off the finger that hurt her. . . He starts to rise. I warn him with my eyes. You touch her and you’re finished. He sits back down.
She pulls down the sefer Torah from on top of the shelf behind him. She unwraps it and pulls it open. Using a piece of broken glass as a knife she cuts a long piece; Long as an adult scarf.
Holding Parshas Vayehrah she climbs up onto his chair, wraps the Torah around his neck and squeezes it as tightly as she can..
I let her do this. She needs to do this.
Zaidy's face turns blue, scared eyes popping out on top of the words, “Sodom.”. . .He stops breathing to Parshas Vayerah.
He stops breathing, strangled by the Torah, and the child, who he violated together in his office.
She looks at me.
“Are you done?”
Almost.
She goes over to his shtender and pushes it over. It falls onto his face. . .
We survey the damage in silence. We take. . .the broken glass, the torn sefarim, the wounded Torah, the dead Rosh Yeshiva.
We are satisfied. I take her hand and we leave together...
Surviving and Healing
I was seven. My sister was eight.
We went to the Yeshiva for shacharis with Tatty. Zaidy liked it when we came.
After davening Zaidy took us into his office. He put his hands under my clothes.
. . .I looked at him shocked.
“Don't look at me,” he said. “Look at the sefarim.”
I looked at the glass doors, behind them rows of meshnayos and shas, some of the books
too heavy to lift.
I made my mind leave the Rosh Yeshiva's office. . .
If I would have looked into his eyes, would he have seen my terror, my pain?
Would I have seen any shame or guilt in his?
But I was taught to listen and so I looked at the sefarim, not at my grandfather.
After he was done he asked us, “Do I need to get married again?”
Then he told us that he loved one of us more than the other. I knew it was my sister he loved more.
My sister says that she doesn't remember any of this. She is so lucky.
*************
I am an adult now.
I take the younger part of me, my inner child, by the hand and bring her back to the Yeshiva, into the office full of sefarim, back onto the holy territory where she was violated.
She is not scared, because I'm with her. She is enraged.
My grandfather sits on the rocking chair that he kept there. There is a sefer Torah wrapped in a talis on the shelf behind him.
She opens one of the glass doors and takes out a tome of Shas. She staggers under its weight.
She is not scared. She knows I will protect her, and that he can't hurt her anymore.
She uses the book to smash all of the glass in all of the shelves. She rips, snatches, out the sefarim and throws them at my grandfather and onto the floor. She is furious. She opens the holy books and rips out the pages, crumples them up and throws them, stamps on them, and stuffs them into his open shocked mouth.
I let her do this. She needs to do this. . .
. . . Then she takes a broken piece of glass and uses it like a knife to cut off the finger that hurt her. . . He starts to rise. I warn him with my eyes. You touch her and you’re finished. He sits back down.
She pulls down the sefer Torah from on top of the shelf behind him. She unwraps it and pulls it open. Using a piece of broken glass as a knife she cuts a long piece; Long as an adult scarf.
Holding Parshas Vayehrah she climbs up onto his chair, wraps the Torah around his neck and squeezes it as tightly as she can..
I let her do this. She needs to do this.
Zaidy's face turns blue, scared eyes popping out on top of the words, “Sodom.”. . .He stops breathing to Parshas Vayerah.
He stops breathing, strangled by the Torah, and the child, who he violated together in his office.
She looks at me.
“Are you done?”
Almost.
She goes over to his shtender and pushes it over. It falls onto his face. . .
We survey the damage in silence. We take. . .the broken glass, the torn sefarim, the wounded Torah, the dead Rosh Yeshiva.
We are satisfied. I take her hand and we leave together...
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Scream of Tamar
Still Screaming - Is Anyone Listening, the short version found on Tzedek-Tzedek blogspot, an article written by Rabbi Ron Yitzchok Eisenman, Rabbi of Congregation Ahavas Israel in Passaic, NJ, and originally published in the Jewish Star.
. . .Daf Yomi learned Sanhedrin, daf 21. Toward the end of the first amud, the Gemara discusses a very unfortunate incident of molestation and abuse that occurred in King David’s very own palace!
Let us take a look at the verses, exactly as they appear in our Holy Tanach, in the book of Shmuel 2 (13:6-13).
“6. And Amnon lay down and feigned sickness; and the king (David) came to see him, and Amnon said to the king, ‘Let my sister Tamar come now, and make two dumplings before my eyes; that I may eat from her hand.’”
7. And David sent home to Tamar saying, ‘Go now to your brother Amnon’s house, and prepare the food for him.
8. And Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house and he was lying down. And she took the dough, and kneaded it, and she prepared the dumplings before his eyes, and she cooked the dumplings.”
9. And she took the pan and poured [them out] before him: but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, ‘Take everyone out from me.’ And everyone went out from him.
10. And Amnon said to Tamar, ‘Bring the food into the chamber that I may eat from your hand.’ And Tamar took the dumplings that she had made and brought them to Amnon her brother into the chamber.
11. And she brought them near to him to eat and he took hold of her and said to her, ‘Come lay with me, my sister.’”
12. And she said to him, ‘No, my brother, do not force me, for it is not done so in Israel; do not do this wanton deed.
13. And I, where shall I lead my shame? And [as for] you, you shall be like one of the profligate men in Israel. And now I beg of you to speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.’
14. But he would not heed her and he overpowered her, and forced her, and lay with her.”
This incident is certainly not one that brought pride or honor to King David and the Jewish people; however, the Torah tells it as it was and it is for us to learn the lessons.
The verses themselves are powerful enough to tell of the dangers of molestation; however, I would like to focus on the next few verses — the focal point of the Gemara’s discussion.
How did Tamar react to her molestation? How did she react to her abuse and to her abuser? Let’s read further in the chapter:
"18. Now she had on a striped tunic, for in this manner the king’s virgin daughters dressed, in robes. And his servant brought her outside, and locked the door after her.
19. And Tamar put ashes on her head, and she went about, crying aloud as she went."
What did Tamar do? Did she “cover up”her shame? Did she attempt to deal with the issue (as one so-called ‘prominent’ person once told me that these things have to be dealt with) shtiller hait — in silence and privately?
No! Tamar went out publicly, as the Holy Torah says: and she went about, crying aloud as she went! She made a public display of her abuse and of her molestation.
She could not cover it up! She did not deal with it privately and in the secretive chamber of a rabbinic refectory.
No, Tamar went public and screamed and cried until all the women of the Jewish world knew about her molestation and her abuse.
Go to this article on Tzedek-Tzedek blogspot to read more about how the rabbis of the Gemara reacted.
. . .Daf Yomi learned Sanhedrin, daf 21. Toward the end of the first amud, the Gemara discusses a very unfortunate incident of molestation and abuse that occurred in King David’s very own palace!
Let us take a look at the verses, exactly as they appear in our Holy Tanach, in the book of Shmuel 2 (13:6-13).
“6. And Amnon lay down and feigned sickness; and the king (David) came to see him, and Amnon said to the king, ‘Let my sister Tamar come now, and make two dumplings before my eyes; that I may eat from her hand.’”
7. And David sent home to Tamar saying, ‘Go now to your brother Amnon’s house, and prepare the food for him.
8. And Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house and he was lying down. And she took the dough, and kneaded it, and she prepared the dumplings before his eyes, and she cooked the dumplings.”
9. And she took the pan and poured [them out] before him: but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, ‘Take everyone out from me.’ And everyone went out from him.
10. And Amnon said to Tamar, ‘Bring the food into the chamber that I may eat from your hand.’ And Tamar took the dumplings that she had made and brought them to Amnon her brother into the chamber.
11. And she brought them near to him to eat and he took hold of her and said to her, ‘Come lay with me, my sister.’”
12. And she said to him, ‘No, my brother, do not force me, for it is not done so in Israel; do not do this wanton deed.
13. And I, where shall I lead my shame? And [as for] you, you shall be like one of the profligate men in Israel. And now I beg of you to speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.’
14. But he would not heed her and he overpowered her, and forced her, and lay with her.”
This incident is certainly not one that brought pride or honor to King David and the Jewish people; however, the Torah tells it as it was and it is for us to learn the lessons.
The verses themselves are powerful enough to tell of the dangers of molestation; however, I would like to focus on the next few verses — the focal point of the Gemara’s discussion.
How did Tamar react to her molestation? How did she react to her abuse and to her abuser? Let’s read further in the chapter:
"18. Now she had on a striped tunic, for in this manner the king’s virgin daughters dressed, in robes. And his servant brought her outside, and locked the door after her.
19. And Tamar put ashes on her head, and she went about, crying aloud as she went."
What did Tamar do? Did she “cover up”her shame? Did she attempt to deal with the issue (as one so-called ‘prominent’ person once told me that these things have to be dealt with) shtiller hait — in silence and privately?
No! Tamar went out publicly, as the Holy Torah says: and she went about, crying aloud as she went! She made a public display of her abuse and of her molestation.
She could not cover it up! She did not deal with it privately and in the secretive chamber of a rabbinic refectory.
No, Tamar went public and screamed and cried until all the women of the Jewish world knew about her molestation and her abuse.
Go to this article on Tzedek-Tzedek blogspot to read more about how the rabbis of the Gemara reacted.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Tshuva
At this time of year I have been working very hard on my anger toward
certain rabbonim. The best I have come to, which really helped
actually, is to accept their humanness.
The rabbonim who have covered up for the pedophiles and minimized the abuse suffered by the children, are completely wrong and dangerously so. But they are human beings, making mistakes.
Giavah is a human weakness. I can forgive them for their human weaknesses.
I don't accept their actions. I hold them accountable for the damage they have done. I would never trust those rabbonim again.
The children, when they are old enough, are the only ones who can actually forgive them, if they choose to, for the cover up and protection of the pedophiles which allowed many of these children to get hurt.
As for hope in the tshuva of the rabbonim, I think that is a weakness, but one I am working to overcome. It has gotten much easier when this Nachalot crisis happened, and I saw the community, including their rabbonim, respond with such appropriateness and support. That's when I realized, there is no excuse for the other rabbonim to make, and stand firm on, the mistakes they have made, other than the human error I mentioned.
When our community faces reality, that certain rabbonim have failed us, then we can move on to be better advocates for the children and families, and not risk their well being with the hopes that those rabbonim will 'do it right this time'.
The rabbonim who have covered up for the pedophiles and minimized the abuse suffered by the children, are completely wrong and dangerously so. But they are human beings, making mistakes.
Giavah is a human weakness. I can forgive them for their human weaknesses.
I don't accept their actions. I hold them accountable for the damage they have done. I would never trust those rabbonim again.
The children, when they are old enough, are the only ones who can actually forgive them, if they choose to, for the cover up and protection of the pedophiles which allowed many of these children to get hurt.
As for hope in the tshuva of the rabbonim, I think that is a weakness, but one I am working to overcome. It has gotten much easier when this Nachalot crisis happened, and I saw the community, including their rabbonim, respond with such appropriateness and support. That's when I realized, there is no excuse for the other rabbonim to make, and stand firm on, the mistakes they have made, other than the human error I mentioned.
When our community faces reality, that certain rabbonim have failed us, then we can move on to be better advocates for the children and families, and not risk their well being with the hopes that those rabbonim will 'do it right this time'.
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