Support: My Child was Molested!

What do I do now?

Finding out that child molestation has happened to your child is a very traumatic experience for parents. A lot of feelings come up for parents such as shock at their child’s vulnerability, and devastation that someone was able to get to their child in this way. While listening to our child, it can be almost unbearable to hear the facts of what happened. We are horrified to learn that our child’s innocence was abused. We want to run away, instead of listen, as our child reveals experiences of molestation which are a parent’s worse nightmare. There is no box in which to put this trauma, and we have no frame of reference in how to deal with this. We didn’t get taught in parenting class how to identify and thereby protect our child from a child molester, and we certainly don’t know what to do now that our child is telling us all this.

Hopefully we can be supportive to our child. If you realize that you have not responded in a helpful manner to your child until now, it is never too late. A supportive response would be to tell your child that you are so glad they told you what happened, and that you are going to figure out what exactly to do. You do need to tell your child that from now on they should stay far away from the perpetrator.

What are parents supposed to do?

In our time of need and fear, we know we must speak to someone. We must choose wisely because this is a sensitive topic. We call either a trusted family member, our rav, our best friend, or all of the above.

These people can be a source of help and support, but sometimes this issue is so shocking to people that they instead respond in a hurtful way. Unfortunately, the response you get may be confusing and upsetting and you may be made to feel that you did something wrong. Parents have revealed that people have made comments to them like, “Nobody is going to believe you. You are just being hysterical” or “If you don’t handle this right you’re going to kill your child” and, of course these comments only devastated them more. While seeking support, if someone begins to interrogate you, insisting that you’re exaggerating or don’t know the facts exactly, then this is not a supportive person. And if someone insists that you are over on loshen hara, they are wrong and you should explain this is toeles, and if they don't agree, then they certainly are not a source of support either. Keep trying to find the support you need, but realize it will require some strength to do this. Just know that there are people who care and can help.

How do I Stop the Perpetrator?

Perpetrators of child molestation are often seen as nice and helpful. Often he (95% are male) is related to us, or he is related to someone we know.  Usually he is a family friend or at least a nice acquaintance and very few people would have guessed, initially, that he was a child molester.

But once your child reveals to you that he was molested, you need to think about what to do to stop the perpetrator. Often the charedi response is to call your neighborhood Rav to report this. The Rav should be supportive and should advise you to call the police. If you get a different response than this, then this rav does not understand the issue and you should just simply go to the police. If you feel you really need a psak halacha that allows you to report to the police, then go to Daas Torah's online blog and you will find psakim from Gadolai HaDor who encourage reporting.

B'hatzlocha on this very trying journey.