The Right Response

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The Right Response

Something happened to my child. I want you to know about it. I hope it will help you to protect your children.

For over a year, there was a man from our kehilla who would park his car in my building’s parking lot, where all the children played every afternoon. His grandchildren lived in my building. At first I thought he was coming to visit them, but then I noticed he parked there even when his own grandchildren were not around. He became very friendly with the boys who played in the parking lot. He fixed their bikes and helped build forts. He gave rides to and from school. He took some boys swimming. I would often see neighborhood boys climbing in and out of his car. A few times the grandfather invited my son into his car. 

“Mom, that grandfather is not normal,” my son told me one day.

“You think so. Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Never mind. I think it’s loshen hara,” said my son.

“There is a halacha called loshen hara l’toeles. It means that if something is bothering you, you can tell someone close to you about it. My children can tell their Mommy everything.”

“Ok. The grandfather does not-tznius things,” my son blurted out.

“Oh no,” I said, forcing myself to stay calm. “What kinds of not-tznius things does he do?”

“I can’t tell you Mom. It’s not something you would know about,” he said, “Because you’re a tznua.”

“You can tell me about the not-tznius stuff. I’m a grown up. I will understand,” I reassured.

My son explained how the man had molested him and other boys, while sitting in a car, in broad daylight, in a busy parking lot, with grown ups walking past and mothers sitting in the shade nearby.

“Mom, he was always so nice to all of us kids. But every time I went in his car he would do not-tznius stuff. I didn’t know what to do. He made it seem like a joke. Other kids laughed with him. Only, it wasn’t funny to me. I can’t believe I just sat there.”

“I think it was a bit shocking to you,” I explained. “Most people, even grown-ups, don’t know what to do when something not-tznius happens.”

“It was confusing,” my son continued. “He tried to make everything seem fun, like we were having a good time, eating treats and nosh. He even gave some kids money.”

“Did he tell you not to tell?” I asked.

“Not exactly,” my son replied. “He just said that whoever told loshen hara about him was going to gehenom. And remember how he made us get your permission to come with him in the first place? Well, he would remind us that our mothers allowed us to go with him.”

“You went into his car several times. Can you tell me what made you go back again?” I gently asked.

“I don’t know,” my son replied. “I tried to pretend that it hadn’t really happened. Then I told myself it really wasn’t so bad, that the fun of hanging out with the other neighbor boys was worth it. Some of it was interesting, too, in an icky sort of way. I was also bored, and it was something to do.”

“I understand. Listen, you can probably tell that I am upset,” I admitted. “I want you to know, I am not at all  upset with you. OK? I love you very much and I’m proud of you for telling me.

“You are safe now and everything is going to be ok,” I reassured. “And now that we’re clear about this guy, you must stay far away from him. Don’t go near his car. And tell all the neighbor kids that he is dangerous and they should stay away from him, too.”

2

After the conversation with my son, I called my husband at shul, and briefed him on what happened. He said he was coming home and that we were going to call the police. Before leaving shul he told the Rav what was going on. The Rav called me.

“Your husband told me about the suspected child molester in our community,” said the Rav. “I admit I am a bit shocked. As you know the grandfather has been a member of our kehilla for a long time.

“It is possible that this guy is a pedophile,” continued the Rav. “A pedophile is someone with a taivah for molesting children. They often appear trustworthy and involved in their community. I suppose we should’ve noticed his excess interest in the children. From what you tell me now, he spent way too much time being the neighborhood grandfather. That should’ve tipped us off that something wasn’t right.

“I’m really sorry for all of us, that this happened,” said the Rav. “Now we have a bit of an ordeal to get through. But it’s going to be ok. Everything is going to work out. Let me explain what to do.

“I want you to call Mercaz Hagana today, the Israeli child protection service agency. Or, you could go down to the local police station,” explained the Rav.

“I thought you were going to say we’ll turn him over to the Vaad HaTzniut,” I interrupted.

“We are law abiding citizens. We cannot take justice into our own hands. We are mandated by secular law to report an adult suspected of molesting children.

“Before we take such drastic action, I have to say this. I believe my son. However, other people, this grandfather even, could claim that my son is lying. Should we have strong proof before we report this?”

“Charedi children wouldn’t think to lie about child molestation. And for a boy to admit that something not-tznius happened with another male, is even more difficult. No boy would make up such a thing. All that aside, it isn’t our job to prove anything. We have a suspected case of child molestation. We have to report it. The authorities will make an investigation. They will decide if there is strong enough evidence to make a case.

“Let me explain about Mercaz Hagana,” the Rav continued. “Get an appointment as soon as possible. Your son will tell his story to a social worker while being videotaped. That video can later be used in court, if necessary. You will speak with a police officer and tell him everything you know. I assure you, Mercaz Hagana are the experts. And it’s important to utilize experts, especially at this stage, because we don’t want to further traumatize the children as they tell their stories.

 “Now, talk to your son about this trip to Mercaz Hagana ahead of time,” explained the Rav. “Then make the day as pleasant as possible. Take him out afterward for pizza or whatever he likes.

“Also,” the Rav continued, “I think it will help if I speak with the other families in your building. And you should too. Advise parents to talk gently with their children, and not to panic. We must emphasize to parents the importance of being supportive listeners to their children. And, everyone who knows anything, should be advised to call Mercaz Hagana or go to the local police station. From your observations, the case against this guy probably involves several children, and if they all testify against him, we may see real justice here. “

“But what about his family?” I asked. “They’re going to be devastated.”

“We can’t put his family in front of the safety of the children,” replied the Rav. “We have to be concerned about stopping him. It’s likely the family knows he has a problem, and they have ignored it or pretended nothing is wrong.”

“He’s a sick man. Doesn’t he just need therapy?” I asked. 

“Pedophiles are indeed sick individuals. Their thinking is perverted and distorted. They may actually be addicted to molesting children. Very few are willing to admit they did anything wrong. Adult men who have molested more than once are unlikely to be cured. We can only hope that from therapy, the molester will understand the damage he’s caused, and then make a commitment to stay completely away from children forever. But even if a pedophile were to be remorseful and committed to staying away from children, it is not the community’s responsibility to make sure he does that. We need the expert guidance and professional supervision of the secular authorities.”

“But isn’t it mesirah to go to the police?” I asked.

“Jewish Law places a pedophile in the category of a rodef. According to gadolei hador, and rabbonim who are experts on this issue, not only is it permissible, one must report those who molest children directly to the authorities, and that doing so is of benefit to society.”

3

“I thought that something terrible had to happen,” I said, “in order for it to be considered child molestation.  Is what happened to my son really that bad?”

“When it comes to child molestation, we are talking about the safety and well-being of a child. It is not for us to rate the abuse. Any form of child molestation rocks a child’s belief in the goodness of people. It is a betrayal of trust, an attack on their purity, an exploitation of their innocence. Our job is to do what we can to stop it, for the sake of our precious children and their holy neshamas.” 

“Do you think my son will need therapy?” I asked.

“Mercaz Hagana can advise whether your son needs therapy, depending on how traumatized he feels. Don’t worry. Even if your child needs therapy, he’ll be all right. You’ll want to find a therapist that uses a technique called EMDR. With a decent therapist, EMDR is an effective and short term therapy.”

“I am a little worried that if this gets out, it could ruin my son’s chances for a good shidduch,” I stated.

“The kids who don’t get help are in the worst shape. Finding a shidduch is the least of their problems. They are likely to suffer depression, behavior issues, and learning difficulties. They make up a significant proportion of those kids who go off the derech. And later on, without treatment, they can suffer intimacy problems in marriage.”

“Isn’t it a chillul HaSh-m, to let the secular world know that such a thing can happen in the Charedi community?”

“A pedophile can molest hundreds of children in his lifetime, going from community to community. The chillul HaSh-m is when no one stops him because they are afraid to ruin his life.”

“The children must come first,” continued the Rav. “There is no other way to stop this from becoming an epidemic in our Charedi world. If we take care of our own children and don’t stop the pedophile, we may be guilty of standing idly by while innocent blood is shed. May we all be brave and make the right decisions, and merit much nachas from our children.”

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“Can I talk to you?” I asked my son.

“But Mom, I’m in the middle of playing.”

“I need to talk to you about something really important. When you are ready, let me know,” I said. I realized the need to talk with my son not only when I had time, but when he was in a mood to listen.

“Ok, Mom. What’s so important?”

“Well, it’s about the grandfather,” I said, pausing, giving him a chance to understand what the conversation was going to be about. “We spoke with the Rav about him. What happened is very serious. The man needs to be stopped.”

“I know just what to do,” said my son. “Next time he drives into our parking lot, we’ll throw something at his car until he leaves.”

“Great idea. Should I buy a big bag of tomatoes?” I said, joining him in his imagination.

“Or better yet, eggs!” he exclaimed.

“Well, eggs are expensive. But I hear you,” I smiled. “Listen, in a minute I’ll give you some paper. It would be good for you to draw pictures about all this. But first, I want to ask you something. Would you be willing to go with me to a special police station, called Mercaz Hagana, and tell them everything that happened?”

“I don’t know. I guess. But, it’s embarrassing,” said my son.

“I understand. It can be embarrassing to talk about not-tznius stuff,” I validated. “The people there are experts though. You can tell them everything and they won’t be shocked. Their job is to talk to kids who’ve had not-tznius things happen to them. They want to stop bad guys like this.”

“But, are you sure it isn’t loshen hara?” asked my son, hoping for a loophole to get out of this.

“This is definitely loshen hara l’toeles. You’ll be doing a big mitzvah. You’ll be a hero for helping stop this man.”

4

“Mom. There is something else I need to tell you. My friend, the boy downstairs, tried to get me to do not-tznius stuff with him, also.”

“I see. Oy vey,” I said. “I saw him with the grandfather a lot. I’m sorry to say, when children are molested by a grown up, sometimes they get confused and do the same things to other kids. It is so sad. I will speak with his mom. This is a major reason why we’ve got to do everything we can to try to stop the grandfather.”

[Children who do not-tznius things to other children were likely also victimized. They are usually confused and stimulated by the sensual nature of the not-tznius actions, and are therefore compelled to act out what they experienced. A lot of times they are trying to take back their powerlessness of victimization, by overpowering and victimizing other children. If your child is victimizing other children, realize they need help as a victim. With proper intervention, the reasons for kids molesting kids will likely be resolved.]

PROTECTION AND TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT CHILD MOLESTERS

We cannot expect nor rely on children to protect themselves. The true responsibility for protection lies with the adults in the community.

Anyone can be a child molester, so we must keep our eyes wide open for anything unusual or suspicious.

Read a book to your children about personal safety. This makes it easier to start an ongoing discussion.

Speak regularly about personal safety to your children, keeping open communication about the trustworthiness of the people in your children's lives.

Act swiftly when alerted to suspected child molesters. Calling the police or child protection agency must be a priority.

We must not be afraid. It’s the fear of dealing with this issue that keeps child molesters free.

May our hishtadlus bring siyata d’shmaya for the safety and well being of our precious children. 

This article was based on a true story, by a mother from a Charedi community after her sons were molested. She unfortunately received an unsupportive rabbinical response, very different from the one above. As a result, she sought to become very knowledgeable on this subject. She then wrote the above article to address the concerns of parents, using her acquired knowledge about supportive rabbinical responses. Furthermore, she created the mother-child dialogue in order to give parents an example of a supportive parental response to a victimized child. The ultimate goal of her letter was to alert the Charedi community to the vital importance of reporting pedophiles and supporting victims.