Charedi Kids molesting Kids

One day, when my son Shlomi was ten years old, I got a call from the neighborhood Rav.

“Stay calm. It seems your son has a bit of a tievah. Whatever you do, stay calm or you’ll make everything worse.”

Here is the shocking story.

My ten year old son, together with several boys, built a very large fort, enclosed and far from adult eyes. One teenage boy, Aron, joined the boys and proclaimed himself the leader. He invited two other teens into the fort and those three big boys proceeded to molest the small group of younger boys. Then the younger boys, including my son, were instructed to molest any little boys that would come into their secluded fort. Then a few of those quite young boys were given jobs to go find more victims. Finally, one brave little boy told what was happening to his menahel (principal), who happened to also be my son’s menahel.

This shocking story happened in a so-called upstanding charedi community with frum- from-birth boys, who were seemingly good boys, too young to be off the derech, and not outwardly problematic in any way.  

You can imagine that I was devastated by this news. But to add to my trauma, came the insensitive remarks from my Rav. “Your son has some sort of issue with you. This type of thing happens when a mother is too overbearing. You’re killing your kid. You need to get him therapy.”

He gave me the name of a specific therapist for my son. When calling to get an appointment, it was explained that the therapist was an expert on treating child molesters. I was horrified at having been referred to such a therapist for my 10 year old. That’s when I came to my senses. I pulled myself out of despair, reassured myself that as college educated Baales Tshuva, I understood this issue. It was very clear to me that a ten year old boy is not the same as an adult child molester. He’s a victim, a child who is acting out.

To put closure to my son Shlomi’s story,  after much research, I found a therapist who was an expert in trauma and who had experience with child sexual abuse. He worked with my son doing an intensive trauma therapy called EMDR. Slowly the dark cloud lifted from my son’s countenance as he experienced healing. Today my son is a healthy, normal young man, however he has left the charedi world for a more modern orthodox lifestyle.

The older boy in the fort, the teen leader, was not in the same school as my son, and he didn’t have the same Rav, and the family was not told about the child molestation going on in the fort. When I called the mother weeks later to share resources (to tell her about the great trauma psychologist that I had found), she said that her son had told her that the fort had been taken down, but she hadn’t known there was any kind of problem. She thanked me for calling to let her know, and then it seems she didn’t get her child any kind of real help, because I’ve seen him standing on the street corner smoking a cigarette on Shabbos.

As devastating as this experience had been for us, was the added mistreatment by our trusted Rav. It was a big disappointment realizing that he really had no understanding of this issue. He was reacting to child molestation issues like one would react if they found out about a homosexual. And then to refer us to treatment for a pedophile. That advice was shocking.

Since then, I've come to accept that our Rav is a human being with limitations. Just as we all make mistakes and have what to learn.

It comes down to this. We as the parents are responsible to take action to get our children the best help that we can, and we know our children best and we will be accountable for taking care of them. If we ask a shailah, and don't get the answer that we think is good for our child, we have to grow up and take responsibility, and we are chiuv, to find the right answers. Most importantly, we must be advocates for our children. Don't bow to social pressure, nor to rabbinical admonitions. Your child comes first.