You Don't Say

It is very common for people to say to victims of abuse, "it wasn't your fault".

I just want to point out that to say "it wasn't your fault" implies that perhaps some aspect of the abuse was indeed my fault.

Instead, it would be better to say, Thank you for telling me. This is really upsetting. I just want you to understand that I'm not at all upset at you. I just feel badly that this happened to you, because I love you so much. And you are safe now. It's all over.

Later, during therapy, it is a good idea to point out the dynamics of abuse, to explain how a perpetrator sets up his victims, and to check in to make sure the client doesn't feel like it was their fault in any way. I don't think that victims intuitively feel that it was their fault. I think they feel guilty for being there, for not saying no, for going back for more. I think the nature of sexual abuse causes a lot of shame due to the sexual pleasure in an otherwise horrible act of betrayal.

But my fault? Why would I think that? For being a kid, for wanting attention, for being friendly? Instead, they often don't even know what exactly happened. Just that it was yucky and nice, fun and shameful, pleasurable and disgusting, and lots of other conflicting emotions.

That would be like saying to a child victim in a car crash, "it wasn't your fault." Gee, I wasn't driving, so I never thought it was my fault. But now that you mention it . . . (I was laughing and having a good time, I was singing and looking out the window, maybe something I did caused this.) A child doesn't automatically think it was his fault.

Just my thoughts for the day. You are welcome to correct me if you disagree.

The Kiddish HaShem in Bet Shemesh

This happening in Bet Shemesh has turned out to be a kiddush Hashem for the Jewish people. While the Charedi Fanatics are spitting on girls (because they want a building), or sending women to the back of the bus, the rest of the Jewish world is really ticked off.

We all know that this is not about halacha, that it is based in thuggery and bullying and disrespect to women.

You are probably wondering how I can say this is a kiddush Hashem when the charedim are looking the other way, standing idly by, claiming that these charedi fanatics don't represent them?

Because the rest of the Jews in Israel are using this as an opportunity to address women's rights and stand up against charedi bullyism, and have come out clearly that we won't tolerate violence directed at children.

The Dati Leumi, Modern Orthodox, Chardal, Mesorati and Chilonim, all agree that one may not abuse another human being in the name of Torah, one may not send women to the back of the bus, not ever and certainly not in the name of Torah. And we will not stand idly by.

The Jewish people are defending our children and women. The Charedi Fanatics want to bring up the Holocaust, well, fine. But you are not the ones being persecuted. We can take this opportunity to assure you that we won't allow for the persecution of our people ever again. And that is why we won't allow you to throw rocks at any of us, spit on any Jewish child (or even priests who are our guests here in the Holy Land), or send Jewish women to the back of the bus.

A co-worker said to me that if the Charedim want segregated buses, so let them, but not on public transportation. And my response is abusolutely no way. What you are proposing is allowing the bullies be in charge and exert their fanatacism onto the weaker and more moderate and refined elements of their community. Would you agree to allow the mafia to control the inner city bus service, forcing their women and children to the back of the bus? There are areas of segregation that are agreed upon by all right wing religious. But on buses, segregation is a very new and absolutely rediculous distortion of Torah. If it was halacha, then you would not see those fanatics on any other buses. Look around, when they need transportation, and it is convenient for them, they take it, mixed, crowded, it doesn't matter.

As for Tznius, claiming that those girls at the Orot elementary school in Beit Shemesh were not tznius, is outright lying because they were absolutely within halacha and the only thing separating them from looking like a Bais Yaakov girl (out of uniform) was the jean skirt verses the BY blue polyester skirt. The retort by moderate charedim to this is that the mothers of the Orot girls are the problem, with their hair not completely covered and the slits in their skirts. And to this I wonder, how can anyone justify violent behaviors toward another Jew? These are grown men harassing women and girls.

And that is why it is lovely to see the kiddish Hashem, with the whole country of Israel, and even the world, outraged at this horrific behavior.

You see, the moderate Charedim think this has become a chilul Hashem, a disgrace to Hashem's Name, because they think they are the representatives of G-d, and now due to the media exposure, they are being disgraced, and if they are being looked down upon, then so is G-d. But I ask, who do they think they are? They are not the only ones who are the Chosen People, and despite their philosophy that claims that Charedim are more beloved, we know that G-d loves all His People Yisroel.

Look HaShem, how the majority of the Jewish world has joined together, especially us Jews in Israel, against the mistreatment of Jewish children and women, and together we are standing up for what is good and right and just in G-d's eyes. This is truly the kiddish HaShem.

Homemade EMDR

Homemade EMDR. I just made that up. Sounds like this article should be about lemonade or something to eat, but it's better than that.

I think Homemade EMDR is safe and gentle because you are in complete control and responsible for yourself, as is the case with any self-help techniques. But as a disclaimer, anything you learn from me and try on yourself, is your responsibility. I also want to say that while I had been classified as having complex PTSD, I did not have any issues with disassociating or other mental illness.

I figured out how to do Homemade EMDR on myself, after I first experienced a very unprofessional version of EMDR at my 12 step support group. One day the group got onto the topic of therapies, and EMDR came into the conversation. A couple of women had done EMDR with therapists. One woman said it made her too dizzy and she didn't like it. The other woman agreed that it made her feel a little off for awhile, mentioning a headache for a few hours, but that overall she thought it worked great. One woman offered to show us how it's done, on anyone willing to be her victim.

I volunteered and my fellow survivor directed the EMDR for me. In the end, it was pretty much useless. She really had no idea what she was doing, and neither did I. But when I saw that it was just moving the eyes back and forth, I decided to try it again at home by myself.

 

So one day, when my poor husband forgot to buy milk on his way home from work or for some other such betrayal of trust that I blew way out of proportion in my head and heart, I became enraged. I wanted to kill him, perhaps not literally. But I did want to throw things. I wanted to hit something or someone. You probably get the point that I was about to throw a great big tantrum. Some of you might understand how a small irritation can trigger all those old feelings and cause a total overreaction to the present situation. However, as Victor Frankl wrote, there is a point between thought and feeling where you can choose. I realized that I was boiling with rage, and before I did or said anything damaging, in fact before I expressed my rage in any way, I headed straight for my bedroom, without making a scene, and I quietly locked my bedroom door. I sat on my bed and found two places on the wall. Later I would discover that the bathroom was an easier place to sneak off to, that the shower curtain had great spots for EMDR, and that no one would bother me there, not even my little kids.

That first time, sitting on my bed, I chose spots on the wall that were a comfortable distance apart, and that allowed my eyes to move from one side of my visual field to the other side. While still fuming and thinking those angry thoughts, I looked from one spot to the other, moving my eyes back and forth, back and forth. To be clear, I was not relaxed. This was not meditation. I was furious. And while thinking those furious thoughts and feeling those furious feelings, I did the eye movements. Eventually, I calmed down. I can't say how long it took, maybe 5 minutes, maybe 25 minutes. But afterward, I was able to go back out to my family, and rejoin humanity.

Years later, looking back, I can say that this Homemade EMDR saved my life. It certainly helped increase my qaulity of life. I often used it on troublesome feelings or thoughts.

So let me once again reiterate how I did my Homemade EMDR, and add one last thing. 

1. I became engaged in an upsetting feeling or thought. 
2. I would make the choice that I wanted to do EMDR on it. 
3. I would go to a quiet place, or at least as private a place as possible.
   
4. I would find two points on the wall. The points were a comfortable width apart, so that my eyes were travelling a comfortable but significant distance from side to side.
   
5. I would look from one point on the wall, to the other, back and forth, back and forth, while feeling those feelings, thinking those thoughts. The intensity on the feelings would diminish.
6. Once I started calming down, and while still doing the eye movements, I engaged in positive self-talk and positive thoughts, usually pertinent to the issue at hand. 

I went looking for resources to share with you, and found a wealth of stuff. I picked what I thought most helpful or interesting, choosing video and audio coverage on this topic, to share with you. Check these out:

See this for a great Overview of an EMDR Session (she's a little hard to hear, but worth it) She shows the tapping method:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQLic6fmoE0&feature=related

This is about using EMDR for Anger (validates my personal experience):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUAbO9qtlDg&feature=related

Here is a great Homemade Eye Movement YouTube Video for Relaxation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5IRwMqZSMg&feature=related

This, on using EMDR for smoking, is neat. I do have to say that the eye movements don't have to be as fast as that doctor is doing them, in the first video. Eye movements should be at a comfortable pace, with the client in control of the speed, which is why doing it yourself, or choosing the speed of the machine is the best. Also, the addition of audio is fairly new, and not necessary.

http://quinten.wordpress.com/2011/02/15/stop-smoking-with-emdr/

Here is an Audio interview including a general overview of EMDR.

http://www.thepsychfiles.com/2007/06/episode-19-eye-movement-desensitization-and-reprocessing-an-interview-with-jamie-oneil/

 

The Pleasure Factor of Child Sexual Abuse

By the age of 11 years old, I was used to the lack of physical affection from both of my parents. It didn't occur to me to question why I was rarely ever hugged or cuddled. There was physical affection in my home, but it was very one sided. My parents often asked me to scratch their backs or rub their shoulders or massage their feet. But a child needs physical affection, too. So when my father, who almost never touched me, except to spank me occassionally, invited me to sit next to him to receive a back rub, I was quite happy to do so. I certainly didn't protest when he lifted my shirt to move it out of the way.

When his hands moved around to my front, however, I got such a shock. It felt like my soul flew right out of my body. But then I was slowly lulled back into my body by the pleasurable feelings that are a body's natural response to sexual stimulation. I liked the touch.  I didn't stop him. I didn't even consider it.

Then he pushed me away, made an ugly face at me, and said with disgust, "You liked that." I was very confused. I could not comprehend what had just happened, and had no clue as to why he was shaming me. All I did know was that I liked the physical touch. So when my father proceeded to molest me at other times and in other ways, I made it easy for him. Only when he was finished and turned mean did I feel the incredible shame for liking it.

For me, sexual pleasure, love, and shame, became entangled, and that strangled my healthy sexual and psychological development.

As a result of specifically the pleasure factor:

I could not tell anyone, because to do so would force me to admit my shameful feelings of pleasure,

I was so angry and ashamed of myself for liking it and wanting it, that I often felt I wanted to die,

I felt sexual feelings in every relationship, and had intrusive sexual thoughts about the people I interacted with,

I sexualized relationships, thinking that the goal of a relationship was to have sex, and that to express love was by sex,

I had to make a conscious decision not to become a perpetrator, by realizing that kids really don't want sex,  understanding that my personal problems stemmed from this internalized web of sex, love, and shame, and by acknowledging that I would never wish that confusion and pain on another human being.

How does one come to terms with the pleasure factor?

Acceptance.  Instead of fighting it and trying to run from the shame, trying to minimize it or reconcile it, I had to face it. I allowed myself to feel the shame of it. It hurt, and I cried.

I also had to do a little EMDR on myself to address the intrusive sexual feelings. 

And I had to accept myself, my humanness, my seeming imperfection.

I know supporters of survivors want us to know that it wasn't our fault, that we were just children, that our bodies did what bodies do, that we didn't really want sex, that we only wanted love. All these arguments are true.

But first we need to be allowed to own those feelings.

So, my survivor friends, I know about that pleasure factor. You are not alone.

Can you imagine that I would have reacted in a very similar manner had I been in your situation? It was normal to feel that pleasure and it is even normal to feel that shame. But what wasn't normal was for that child to be taken advantage of sexually. That shame belongs to the perpetrator. Shame on him!

I do hope you will work this issue just like you've worked the other aspects of the sexual abuse, using your self-help tools and/or your therapist. You will get through it. And then I hope you'll internalize all that good stuff that our advocates are trying to tell us.  I also hope that you seek and find non-sexual love and affection and attention, and non-perverted non-abusive sexuality.

Full Color

When I was fourteen, I attempted suicide by taking an overdose of antidepressants. This act landed me in a psychiatric hospital where the only department for teenagers was limited to drug and alcohol addicts. For my three month stay they didn't know what to do with a teenaged incest survivor. A few days before my release, a therapist escorted me into the psychodrama therapy room, handed me a bat, pointed me toward a blow up doll, told me to think of the doll as my father, and encouraged me to "hit him". I understood then, that I was supposed to get angry at my father. That's about all the clarity I got out of that.

Unfortunately, that few minutes of psychodrama caused untold damage to the rest of my teenage years, as I had unlocked the door to my anger, but didn't have any further tools to know how to deal with such terribly consuming rage. I ended up acting out in very destructive ways, being hurtful to the people who loved me by raging and being out of control. I often justified my bad behaviors with the fact that I was an incest survivor.

Eventually I hit rock bottom and decided that I might very well have to figure out how to live a meaningful life, and that the first thing I needed to do was to start healing. However, I didn't want to go to a therapist. I needed to be completely in control of my healing. So I read many self help books, and discovered the Twelve Steps. I attended every twelve-step group that I could find that was applicable, going to groups as much as twice a day.

One evening, after a twelve-step meeting, I met up with a friend who encouraged me to try doing some anger work. At the time, I was so consumed with grief and anger that my life was dark and depressing. You could say I was deep in the tunnel, stumbling forward blindly, with no light in sight. By now I was a young adult, had read and learned a lot about recovering from abuse, and was in complete control of my healing. The anger work I was going to attempt to do, was very similar to what I was exposed to as a teen in the hospital. However, this time I understood the process. I was in control. And I had made the choice to do the work.

I met my friend outside of a meeting place, in a large, deserted, low lit parking lot, and I picked up the first thing I found, an abandoned sport shoe. I threw it to the ground, picked it up, threw it down, and allowed and encouraged myself to put voice to the pain and anger. I yelled and screamed and cursed my father.  I did this repeatedly and to the point of complete exhaustion, with my final words being, "How could you?"

That night, I slept like a baby and the next day, as I walked the very familiar path from my apartment to my car, I looked at the world in wonder. The flowers were purple. The sky was blue. Was the grass always so green? My world went from shades of gray to full color. It was awesome.

Resilience and Relaxation

The website, Israel Center for the Treatment of PsychoTrauma, is a must see, and while their expertise may or may not include child sexual abuse, they certainly know trauma and have a great outlook on recovery, discussing strengthening the resilience factor in people exposed to trauma and thereby lessening the long term effects. Click on Trauma Information in the side bar for some good info.

From there, I linked to this wonderful site that gives tons of ideas for helping your child and the whole family, to relax. Don't miss her various categories on the side bar, especially Laughter Meditation!

http://kidsrelaxation.com/

Here is my favorite page at the I.C.T.P. website:

Improving Resilience

There are a several factors that help us cope more effectively with stressful and traumatic situations. These factors improve our natural resilience and help us turn what might be a distressing and depressing situation into one of personal growth and development.

On this page you will find some tips that may help you increase your natural resilience in the face of difficult events. We hope you will find the following tips helpful.

• Devote time to relationships
  People who have close and meaningful ties with family and friends tend to cope better during times of distress. Spending time with family and friends both creates a sense of belonging and mutuality, and creates a support network for hard times.
• Acquire knowledge about the situation
  Accurate and current knowledge about the situation you are in will help you make more informed decisions. This knowledge can also help neutralizes exaggerated fears, which often stem from the unknown.
• Talk about your feelings with people close to youEvery one of us sometimes feels the need to relieve some of the stress that accumulates during rough times. Opportunities to talk about the feelings we experience allow us to “let off steam” and return to normal functioning. In addition, we may be surprised to discover that other people feel similar to us. This discovery allows us to share the burden of thoughts and doubts with another person who is close to us.
• Maintain physical health
  There is a proven link between nutrition, physical condition and stress. Stressful situations present taxing demands on our bodies, and gradually deplete our physical resources. This typically results in fatigue and physical aches and pains. Taking responsibility for our body -- healthy nutrition, physical exercise and enough sleep -- gives the body an opportunity to renew its resources and repair the damage done by stress.
• Relaxation exercisesPractice of daily relaxation exercises can help you cope with the pressures and stress of everyday life. The more regularly you exercise, the more your body will learn to relax easily and maintain a natural balance. This will directly affect your mood and peace of mind. Try exercising once or twice a day, each time for several minutes.
• Maintain a daily routine
  Keeping a daily routine is a way to show yourselves and the world that there is nothing that can break or scare you. It is a brave statement declaring that you continue to live and hope as usual, regardless of the obstacles along the way.
• Use your sense of humor
  Laughter allows us to see the brighter side of reality, and helps us emerge from situations of anxiety or stress. A sense of humor also improves our physical health and allows us to find creative solutions to difficulties.
• Help others in need
  Find ways to volunteer and do something for others. Much psychological research shows that people who give of themselves feel more in control, more capable, and cope better with stressful situations. The very knowledge that we make a difference to somebody else is an incentive not to give up or give in to despair.
• Devote time to a hobby
  Make some time each day for something you enjoy doing: sports, art, hiking or anything else you choose, in order to relax and remember that even in the difficult daily routine there are bright points that make living worthwhile.
• Hope and Optimism
  Work on trying to see the bright side of things and the light at the end of the tunnel. In every dark situation, there are moments of shining humanity; try to find those moments and treasure them.

Stop It Now

A (non-Jewish) website aimed at prevention of child sexual abuse and molestation, called Stop It Now, is a must see for advocates, survivors, and parents.

On this page, they address the subject of child and adolescents molesting other children.

http://www.stopitnow.org/signs_child_adolescent_risk_harm_child

Further down that page you can click on an article about age appropriate sexual behaviors. 

On this page:  http://www.stopitnow.org/signs_adult_risk_harm_child    look for the Let's Talk Guidebook (pdf) for how to talk to a family member about their possible dangerous attraction or behavior.

Also, check out their ParentTalk archives for some touching articles written by parents of both victims and adolescent perpetrators.